"She must not even care"

One day in high school, I was riding the bus home. It was a peaceful ride. I was reading my book, as I normally did, and keeping to myself.

All of a sudden I heard these two boys, one my age one older, start talking about me. These boys knew nothing about me, other than the fact that I was overweight.

They started talking about how gross it was to look at me, how I must be eating all the time to look like that. Then one of them said something that cut worse and deeper than anything else they had said: "She must not even care that she looks like that."

With that, a single tear hit the page I had stopped on.

Before I could even turn around to defend myself from these verbal attacks, they stood up and got off the bus.

I was left there, young, impressionable, and hurt.

They never knew the impact their words made on me, and they never will.

"I knew you were promiscuous..."

When I was sixteen I tried to tell my (alcoholic) mom that I had been raped four years prior. I don't know how I wanted her to respond, but I needed her to know. 

As she lay on the couch, I spilled my guts about the older guy that took advantage of me years ago. 

After I finish my story all she had to say was, "I knew you were promiscuous, but I didn't know it started that young." 

She then proceeded to fall back asleep. 
 

"Big"

When I was in high school I wasn't attractive. I had fuzzy hair and acne. I had a pension for Marilyn Manson and black eyeliner. I wasn't trendy or popular. I didn't get asked out. I had average grades and excelled at seemingly nothing except science.

There were two stoner girls I always worked with in class. They were slim and pretty and nice enough. They liked me because I knew the answers and came up with the most interesting projects.

One day as I was walking into school I overheard them talking about me to someone in my class that, unsurprisingly, didn't know my name. They described me with the usual descriptors I was used to: fuzzy hair, goth.

But then they added in one that was new: big.

I took it to heart because it was a new jab, a new problem.

I confronted them later, and they explained that they meant no harm, as I am nearly 6 feet tall.

But my life from that point on revolved around my weight.

I ate 600 calories a day and worked out 3 hours a day for nearly 4 years. I spent the entirety of my adult life struggling with my weight.

I'm 30 now. I've been in and out of treatment. I don't know if I'll ever be all right with myself.

Girls Like Me

The night I was raped, my rapist told me, "To girls like you, no means yes."

This has stuck with me, because in a way its true. But not the way he meant it. 

Every time a teacher told me I wasn't smart enough, I studied harder and longer so I could tell her, "Yes I am."

When I was told I would never advance at work, I improved my numbers to prove to my boss that, "Yes I could."

So I guess he was right.
To girls like me, no means yes.
 

Grocery Store Girls

A little while ago I went to the local store to buy some groceries. I am not fit, nor thin. I am on the plus-size side.

Two girls were in the parking lot, randomly making fun of people that walked by and insulting them. As soon as I pulled up and parked, they immediately started saying things to me, but I couldn't hear them. Once I stepped out of the car, their laughter roared even louder.

They started saying how fat and ugly I was, that nobody would love me. Comment after comment, they would laugh louder and louder. 

I kept on walking, ignoring them, but I took it personally. I was hurt and angry. I felt disappointed in myself, wondering if they were right about my appearance. I wanted to say something back, but I couldn't. I went into the store with their hurtful comments and laughter echoing in my head.

"No one will have fun if you're there"

My boyfriend of almost five years wanted to go to a friend's house, where a ton of girls would be. I asked to go with him. 

He said, "No one will have fun if you're there." 

It still stings thinking about it. 

I found out later that he was cheating with one of the girls. No wonder no one would have had fun.

"You are not as good as you think you are."

I survived a brief but horrifying relationship. What stuck with me was not the physical abuse, but these words, "You are not as good as you think you are."

Ten years later, I'm still battling those words in my head every day. Previously, I was an invincible Marine and elite rugby player. Now, daily, I struggle with my own self worth.

"I still think of you as my son."

I was once riding in the car with my dad, and we were talking. Nothing in depth or serious. I don't even remember what he said that caused him to apologize (I wish I could).

But he said to me, "I'm sorry, its just I guess sometimes I still think of you as my son."

I started to wonder how long he's seen me like that. If he has ever treated me a certain way because he'd seen me as a boy. 

I wonder if anything in my life might have been different if he had seen me as me.

"But you're still pretty"

One day during my senior year of high school, I woke up late for school and came in with no eye makeup on. A girl who sat in front of me in class said, "You're not wearing any makeup?" I said no, and she replied, "But you're still pretty." 

She said it with such disbelief and question in her voice, like she couldn't understand why I wasn't ugly. 

It made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. Seven years later it still comes to my mind.

"You're worth it."

All my life, I never bothered dating. I knew my place as the guy's best friend. I was never the prettiest or the smartest, but I knew how to make people laugh. 

I've known my husband since the 7th grade. We were best friends. Even then, I was head over heels for him, but never breathed a word. 

When we finally did start seeing each other seven years later, I poured my heart out to him. I'd never dated, never been kissed, came with a ton of emotional baggage. I asked him why. Why bother? Why not go find someone else? 

"You're worth it."

The first time in my life I had ever heard those three words, and it took me a very long time to believe it.

Eight years and two kids later, now I know for sure, we are worth it.