Tits for Zits

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I moved to Orange County in middle school and quickly learned how vapid and cruel wealthy, attractive teenagers can be.

I had never thought of myself as ugly until then.

On most days a group of boys would walk home behind me and shout hurtful things, my personal favorite being that I had traded tits for zits.

Fifteen years later, body dysmorphia accompanied by eating disorders, and countless hours staring at my face in the mirror wondering if I really am hideous, and their words still echo in my head.

No makeup

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When I was in college, my roommate (who I secretly adored and idolized) caught me on my way to work one morning. I had just put on my make-up , which at the time was a grueling one hour ordeal of primping and preening.

He said to me, "I don't understand how you can wake up looking so ugly and leave looking so beautiful."

These words still itch under my skin and burn into my heart.

It's been 12 years.

"I would never date her"

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When I moved back home, I worked at a restaurant with this guy whom I had previously known and always thought was really handsome. I was excited to be working with him and getting to know him. I couldn't wait to go to work and see him and spend time with him every day .

I'm pretty sure it was obvious how much I liked him, because one night he brought me home and we got together. At first I was hesitant because I was afraid of getting hurt, but I liked him so much, and he was really nice to me, so I took a chance.

We saw each other for about a month, until he got promoted. It was shortly after Christmas, and I remember getting him a present and everything. I couldn't wait to give it to him.

I walked out onto the porch and overheard him saying, "She gives a really good blow job, but I would never date her because her family is crazy and she's not attractive enough for me." 

I walked away. 

We never saw each other outside of work again.

"I know you stole this"

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When I was 9, I would hang out with this girl all the time. We were the same age and our moms were the same age, so we would all hang out and go to barbecues and stuff. 

I remember one day going over to their house and overhearing my friend's mother talking about a really important necklace of hers that had gone missing. She described it in detail.

When I went to use the bathroom, I remember picking up some stuffed animal, and I saw that her necklace was right under it! I was so proud to have found it, and I knew she was going to be so happy that I found it for her. 

When I excitedly told her that I found it in the bathroom, she looked at me and said, "I know you stole this." 

I remember trying to say,  "No I actually found it... " and she just interrupted and said, "No you definitely stole this. You look like the type to steal."

I was just so upset. I thought she was going to be happy with me. 

And for some reason, 14 years later I still think about that day.

"That's a perfectly acceptable thing for her to say"

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My group of middle school girlfriends consisted of five of us total. The other four would often pair up against me in subtle but intentional ways, like ordering two Caesar salads at Cheesecake Factory for each pair to split while laughing at the fact that I was left out.

One day the five of us were hanging out with my longtime childhood friend who went to a different school, and we were all joking about how we wanted to violate all of the school rules on the last day of middle school, because there would be no consequences.

One of them joked that she'd wear a spaghetti strap tank top with her bra straps showing. Another said that she'd wear a miniskirt. I chimed in and said that I would wear like three hats.

There was an awkward silence and they all stared at me.

One of them said, "Ummm....ok..."

My childhood friend immediately reacted to this. "Whoa, why are you acting like that to her? Hats are also not allowed in school. That's a perfectly acceptable thing for her to say."

My friends didn't know how to react. They had never encountered someone standing up for me, since I had never done it myself.

It took this simple declaration from my old friend to really put into perspective how unfairly my middle school friends treated me for no reason.

Once we got to high school, we all parted ways.

"It's the end."

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My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on Father's Day 2014.

Before and still shortly after her diagnosis, I didn't know how cancer worked. I wasn't sure what the stages mean't, I only knew that stage 4 mean't the cancer was really bad.

The months after her diagnosis my family heard, "I'm sorry" and "I've been praying for you" and the like.

My mom was only given 6-9 months to live, but my mom and the rest of my family had faith that she wouldn't "give up that easy." We were very positive after getting the diagnosis and everyone knew that.

But one day, out of the blue, about three months after the diagnosis, I was at work and a woman that I was actually pretty close to outside of work said, "You understand stage 4 means your mom's dead, like it's the end."

I remember those words so vividly. Even a year and a half later, they still bring tears to my eyes.

However, my mother is still fighting her fight and has been surprising her doctors on a regular basis. So no, her diagnosis wasn't the end.

"People are so mean to her, it's like not even funny"

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One day in middle school, I was at my friend's house while she was chatting on AOL with this really popular girl. The popular girl asked what my friend was up to, and my friend said, jokingly, that she was hanging out with me, which is such a drag. 

The popular girl replied, "Lol, people are so mean to her, it's like not even funny."

There was an awkward silence between my friend and me, and we told the girl that my friend was joking, and that I was actually sitting right there. The popular girl scrambled for something to say to recover herself, but it was too late.

Her words had already stuck with me.

The thing is, I didn't know that everyone was mean to me. I knew I wasn't popular, but I thought I was sort of off the radar at best. The idea that "everyone" was mean to me behind my back, and that this was common knowledge, really hit me hard. 

It's been 15 years, and this memory is still as vivid as ever.

"Learn how to deal with this"

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I sent my husband an article about the eating disorder I currently struggle with, thinking he might find it insightful.

We were supposed to go to take my son to see a movie that day and I asked my husband if he was almost ready to go. 

He said he couldn't go anymore because he now had to read the article I sent him so he can "learn how to deal with this," while making a hand motion towards me.