When I started dating my first boyfriend in 11th grade, I had been anorexic for roughly 4 years, and was trying to go into recovery.
In the midst of this, my boyfriend told me one day, “I’m glad you have an eating disorder, you could lose a few pounds.”
5 years later and 4 years into recovery, I still think of his comment any time I step on the scale and think about relapsing.
Growing up, I was always on the bigger side. My grandma would try to "help" motivate me to lose weight by saying, "Boys won't think you're pretty if you're fat."
This started when I was five years old.
The summer before 8th grade was very difficult for me. I had started to notice that because of my size, people – boys in particular - treated me very different in comparison to girls who were thin. I spent that entire summer binging on saltines and carrots, which resulted in me making myself throw up.
By the time school resumed, I had lost about 50 pounds. My pant size dropped by 3 sizes and I felt absolutely AMAZING. l felt like I was finally a normal teenage girl.
One day my best friend and I were shopping and I found the cutest pair of shorts. They weren’t my size but I really liked the idea of using them as “goal” shorts.
I gushed to my friend about how perfect they were. She grabbed them out of my hand and looked at the size and said, "Let me try these on. I bet they'll look really good on me, and they won't fit you anyway. They're too small."
Her words rung with condescension, and it was hurtful to hear her say something that I already knew but hoped nobody else thought.
When I was in high school I suffered from bulimia. I decided to make a PSA on YouTube explaining the dangers of bulimia so no one would suffer the way I did.
One of the first comments I got was: "Clearly you suck at this disease because you're fat as fuck. You will never get married. You will never have children. Until you drop 30 pounds people will always be laughing behind your fat ass!"
I deleted the video that same night, but the comments still stayed burned in my brain.
Fast forward to a year later. I told my new boyfriend about my eating disorder and this was what he said to me:
"Well, no offense, but do you plan on losing any more weight? Because I like my women skinny."
Two days later, he raped me in my own house. I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. I starved myself to stay skinny for him only to find out he cheated on me with several other girls on campus. I stayed with him for almost five months because after reading that one YouTube comment, I wholeheartedly believed no one else would want to date my fat ass. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I knew I couldn't do any better.
That was five years ago. For the most part, I'm recovered, and I'm dating someone I've been good friends with for the last few years. He treats me better than I've ever known and tells me I'm sexy every single day. Some days I have a hard time believing him, and some days I think I don't deserve his love because of how I look. And some days I still blame myself for publishing that video knowing how cruel people on the internet can be.
I picked out my prom dress all by myself. It took me hours to find something that wasn't like anything anyone else was wearing, in my style, in the right price point for a broke high school student, and had appropriate coverage to get the approval from my parents. I finally found a dress that was perfect, and it was on sale! I couldn't wait to go home and try it on for my mom.
I walked into the house with my first real "adult" purchase, put the gown on and stepped out of my bedroom, prepared for the ooh's and ahhh's.
My mother gave me two looks and said, "You're going to lose five pounds before prom, right?"
I've been on a weight roller coaster ever since. Thanks, Ma.
"It's good that you'll be walking more, maybe you'll lose weight."
"Don't you wish we looked like those girls? Don't you wish we were skinny like them?"
"I don't believe you're a size 9, you look bigger."
"Your dresses are shorter because you've gained weight"
"Keep dancing, it's good exercise."
"It's just trying on clothes, why are you making such a big deal about it?"
And she wonders why I'm so sensitive about my body and what I wear.
For as long as I can remember, I've always eaten like a horse, yet I never gain weight.
One day in high school, someone asked me, "Are you sure you're not anorexic?"
This comment took me by surprise, and ever since then I've always thought of myself as "anorexically skinny," even though I know that I am not anorexic and never have been.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. I started using food to cope, and I ended up gaining about 50 pounds, which only made my depression worse.
One day, my sister texted me after she'd recently moved out. She knew how I felt about my weight, but she wrote this anyway: "You're a fat piece of shit and nobody will ever want you or love you."
To this day, I can't get over those words, and I'm not sure I ever will. I have a crush, and every time I think about talking to him or just saying hello, I remember those words and I shut down completely. Anytime I wonder if I'll find love, I think about what my sister said.
When I was in 3rd grade, I walked in on my mom purging, and she told me, "I have a stomach ache, and I have to get everything out to feel better."
From that moment on, I started purging whenever I had a stomach ache. For years.
It took me until I was 25 and finally on the proper medication to realize that I've had an eating disorder my whole life, and it all started when my mother told me a story instead of telling me the truth about her problem.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
