"I would, if only..."

For a long time, I felt like my depression was ruining my marriage, but after I started going to therapy, I finally felt like I was making progress towards being "normal."

One day, my therapist told me that often with her married patients, improving their sex life was pivotal in improving their self-esteem. This made sense to me, because my sex life was nearly nonexistent.

I picked my husband up from work that evening, and told him about what my therapist had said. Before I could go further, he interrupted me to say, "I would want to have sex with you, if only you had a rockstar body."

Even when I was thin, my body image was terrible. But this shot what little confidence I had. His cruelty in that moment made me never want sex again, and I've not since initiated. 

It's been five years since then. He's had affairs. I've been suicidal. He's told me to kill myself. And one day, I might.

"There's a reason five guys are standing around you right now."

Towards the end of my junior year, I was wearing a skater skirt and tight crop top. Our school doesn't have AC and gets extremely hot near the end of the year, so I wore this a lot.

I was talking in art class with two of my girlfriends and three of our best guy friends. We were all chit chatting and laughing when the art teacher called me over to her desk and told me to think about what I wear next time, and that I was violating dress code because half an inch of my mid drift was showing and my skirt was too short. Even though the skirt was at finger tip length, which meets the school requirement on skirts. 

She proceeded to say in a sarcastic and degrading way, "There's a reason five guys are standing around you right now." Even though it was three guys and they in no way ever even flirted with me. I was about to explode, so I walked away from her desk and sat and talked to my friends about it. They all were shocked and outraged. The teacher overheard us and then proceeded to talk about it loudly to the whole classroom, degrading my outfit. 

My friend spoke up and said, "Stop sexualizing women's bodies." 

Then the teacher tried to give me detention and keep me after class for the commotion SHE caused.

I went home bawling for two hours because I felt so awful and embarrassed. She never apologized. And I forever am worried about seeing her in the halls with whatever I wear.

"Those are the lips I want..."

My ex boyfriend always begged me to have sex. He'd connect sex with everything and guilt me into doing it until I finally just never wanted to have sex at all. One day we were arguing and he told me, "I just don't think you'll ever find a guy willing to deal with how weird you are about sex." I ignored it.

A few months later, I sent him a selfie from my office; I was having a good day so I smiled for the picture and sent it to him. He replied, "Yeah. Those are the lips I want slobbering on my cock."

I'll never forget how utterly disgusted he made me feel.

"Johnsons don't cry."

I grew up without much physical affection, so I was unusually attached to my first boyfriend. When I was 16 and we broke up, I couldn't accept the fact that this breakup would be our last of many. To me, the daily sex, hugs, and kisses were an addiction. I needed them to feel loved.

When I finally processed that this was final, I was sobbing in my room. My father - drunk, as was typical of him - might have thought he was comforting me when he saw me and said, "Forget him! Johnsons* don't cry."

After that moment, I was ashamed to cry. I was ashamed to show any emotion other than hostility. 

I'm 21 now. And I'm still not able to let myself cry. I fight the tears until I have mental breakdowns. My sadness now automatically converts to rage.

I have some joy and love, thanks to my fiancé, but I fear I'll never be normal again. I'll never be able to cry openly and easily.

Because Johnsons don't cry.

*Names have been changed. 
 

"Come and get it, I'm giving it away!"

When I was about 11, my friend and I were playing outside on a hot Florida summer day. After a while, we decided to go to her house to cool off in the air conditioning for a bit.

I had let her borrow a pair of my shorts that day, and when we came inside, her dad threw a fit about how short they were. He proceeded to sing, "Come and get it, I'm giving it away!" in a jaunty tune at her until she changed. 

To this day, 16 years later, I can still hear his ugly/jolly voice singing that song every time I put on a pair of shorts.

"I don't know what you expected, wearing that dress."

I went to a family friend's birthday cocktail party with my parents a few years ago. I was wearing a full length, summery black dress, and since it was pretty revealing in the bust, I wore a camisole underneath to cover up as much cleavage as possible. 

While at the party, the family friend's uncle drunkenly sauntered over to me and started making gross comments about how attractive I was. Trying to get rid of him, I started talking about my parents, and he LEERED at me (like, actually leered...it was surreal), saying, "Oh you're HER daughter? You're much more attractive...like your mom is NOT hot," and waggled his eyebrows at me. I was so disgusted, I think I just turned around and left. 

Afterwards, I told my parents about it and how creeped out and uncomfortable I was with the whole situation. My dad then said, "I don't know what you expected, wearing that dress." I was stunned. 

I told him I thought that was pretty unfair since A) I covered up and cannot help my chest size, which is unavoidably, proudly prominent no matter what and B) it would have been perfectly easy for Pervy McPerv to NOT be disgusting, and I am not going to be shamed for my body because some lush forty years my senior can't handle mixing his booze with his boner pills.THAT'S what you have to say to me after HE was totally nasty about Mom?!?! Also I JUST WANTED SOME GODDAMN PUNCH, NOT A REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE MEMORY THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM COVERED IN SLIME! 

Well. I said the first part.

My dad never apologized for that comment. I am still furious about it. I don't think he even remembers it.

Ugh.
 

"Those shorts are too short."

When I was 9, I was in a Dollar Tree with my mother. She left me alone in the makeup section to browse. Behind me there was a couple in their late 20s. I was minding my own business, when out of nowhere my mother pulled me away and said, "That man was staring at your ass."

This was the very first time that anything like this had ever happened to me, and I thought it was gross. 

However, what got me more upset was when my mom said, "You shouldn't wear shorts that short anymore." 

Victim blaming much, mom? My skin exposure shouldn't be an excuse for anyone to ogle at me. 

To this day, I am sometimes still ashamed to show too much skin, because no matter what I chose to do with my body, I remember that someone will see it as an invite to do what they please.  Whenever I wear shorts, those words ring in my head. 

I will never slut shame my future daughter, and even more importantly, my son will learn how to act politely and respectfully to women.
 

"I know you're just confused."

For a very long time, I identified as a lesbian. When I began dating my current boyfriend, however, I came out as bisexual to my closest friends and my family. 

My best friend told me, "I'll always think of you as a lesbian," and, "I know you're just confused. Don't worry; I know you're gay. You two will break up because you aren't straight." 

She also told me that if I wasn't a lesbian, she couldn't be my friend anymore. She told me I lied about my identity so I could "invade" LGBT spaces. 

It hurt hearing that from someone I was so close to. It's caused intense feelings of self doubt and self hatred. Even now, two years later, I think about what she said, and I suffer from some pretty intense internalized biphobia. She was my best friend; she knew me better than anyone. 

I still question my relationship and how I feel about my boyfriend of two years. I question whether or not the feelings I have for him are real. I will probably spend the rest of my life being afraid to openly admit I am a bisexual woman. I don't know where I belong. 
 

"You have the makings of a good person."

After I revealed to one of my closest friends that I have slept with over fifteen men since college, her 'helpful' response was, "You have the makings of a good person. Really, you do!"

In a friendship built on trust and sharing, this comment really struck me. I didn't see myself as a bad person then, nor do I now. 

But I struggle with the levels of judgement I now fear my trusted friends will inflict on me if I tell them the full truth of my life.

Asexuality

I recently started coming out as asexual to my family and close friends. It's something I'm still figuring out myself, and am trying not to be insecure about. It's hard when people close to me make comments like this:

"You just haven't had enough experience with relationships yet. Once you've had a good relationship this should change. If it doesn't, you should get your hormones checked. You might want to get counseling to see if trauma caused this." - My mother

"Well, I don't think you really have enough experience to know for sure." - My best friend

"You probably haven't found the right person yet. You just have to wait." - My cousin

But some friends never fail to bring me up, reassure me, and are supportive of my identity <3

"Your sexuality is valid, and anyone who disagrees is trash." - My ace friend