"You don't want to touch her..."

When I was 16, I was molested by a guy I had known for years, and he gave me an incurable STD.

One night, after this had occurred, I went out with my sister and a guy she was dating. 

Somehow the topic of threesomes came up, and I noticed my sister texting her date: "You don't want to touch her because she's dirty."

To this day, I can't bring myself to tell my sister that what she said killed me a little inside. 

"You were such a difficult child."

When I was very young, my mother married a man who turned out to be sadistic and abusive in many ways. A few years later, my mother left me with my biological father because I told someone what was happening.

For years, I carried anger and resentment over all of this and hoped that one day I would get the apology I felt I deserved. 

One night when I was an adult, during a lengthy conversation with my mother over all the abuses I went through and how I felt abandoned and betrayed, she said, "I'm sorry that's how you felt. But you were such a difficult child." 

This was devastating to say the least. 

The realization that my own mother felt I deserved what I went through because I was "such a difficult child," and that the genuine apology I wanted so deeply was never going to come, broke my heart. 

Our relationship is much better these days, but I can't tell you how often those words play in the back of my mind. 

"You were such a difficult child."

"When did you become a kicked dog?"

It had gotten late, the family party becoming more rowdy, so I grabbed my sleeping toddler, and my nearly sleeping child. I packed up our stuff, then made my way over to my husband. 

"Kids and I are ready to go whenever you are, babe." 

"We'll go when I'm ready," my husband snapped. He must have seen my disappointment, and he grabbed me for a hug and kissed me, just a peck. 

I turned to see my father behind us, shaking his head. "When did you become a kicked dog?" He asked. "Struck, then crawling back for the smallest ounce of affection."

Since then, every argument, every time I give just to not fight anymore, I see her. The kicked dog standing in the corner, waiting for the kindness that follows.

Gay Lunchbox Brigade

The week before 7th grade, my family and I went back to school shopping. I found this awesome lunchbox with monarch butterflies on the front, and I was so excited to bring it to school. 

Flash forward to the first day of school, lunch period.

As walked to the cafeteria, the most popular girl in school walked by, and sneered at me, saying, "What are you, in the gay lunchbox brigade?"

I went home and begged my mom to get me a plain, black, boring lunchbox. When she said no, I carried my butterfly lunchbox for rest of the school year.

"Maybe I'll just kill myself!"

My family got into a huge fight several weeks back. My mom screamed, "Maybe I'll just kill myself!"

Later that evening, she called me to apologize. She told me she got upset and didn't know how to express herself clearly.

A few nights ago, I lay awake at 2AM, holding my 9 month old daughter close while I cried, just hearing my mom's voice over and over in my head.

"Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?"

I'd had a bad morning, so I decided to treat myself to a Little Debbie brownie. I don't do this often (I really don't). I was running late, so I took it to school to eat it there. As soon as I opened the wrapper, one of my friends (or so I thought) asked, "Do you eat one of those EVERY DAY?" with a look of disgust. 

I said, "No, only rarely." Then my friend changed the subject and continued talking to another friend. 

You have no idea how awful, fat, and humiliated that made me feel. I still think about it, and I'll probably never forget it. Thanks for that.

"I just want you to remember"

For as long as I can remember, my dad and I have been emotionally distant from one another. 

When my first serious boyfriend and I broke up, I couldn't eat or sleep. I was pretty much in the deepest depression I have been in in a while. 

My mom called my dad and told him that she was worried about me because I wasn't eating. 
One day, I picked up the phone and heard this:

"I know you're upset and probably don't want to talk, but I just want you to remember that Daddy loves you." 

I never told my dad that just those few words meant more to me than he will ever know.

"I wish I had been more open..."

My mother and I were sitting on the porch and after bickering all day. I was laughing with some of her friends who had come over. 

She looked straight at me and said, "I wish I had been more open to the option of abortion 15 years ago."

It was my 15th birthday. 

Things My Grandma Says

"It's good that you'll be walking more, maybe you'll lose weight." 

"Don't you wish we looked like those girls? Don't you wish we were skinny like them?" 

"I don't believe you're a size 9, you look bigger." 

"Your dresses are shorter because you've gained weight" 

"Keep dancing, it's good exercise." 

"It's just trying on clothes, why are you making such a big deal about it?" 

And she wonders why I'm so sensitive about my body and what I wear.