Too young to remember

As we approach September 11th, it pains me sitting across from young co-workers who didn't experience this day the same way I did. To them, it's just a regular day. It doesn't occur to them that to me, being ten years older, this day and the days that follow are filled with memories and sadness.

Is anyone else here at work thinking about this already? Does anyone else annually dread the beginning of September?

These rhetorical questions are questions that I doubt anyone else is thinking about. And that's what makes me sad.

Wondering what this next generation will end up remembering - much like we aren't scarred by Watergate or JFK's assassination.

"I'm married."

Those two words are the worst two I've ever heard.

They came after being used for two years by a man I envisioned building a family with. I was completely blindsided. He never loved me. He never wanted me. He never planned a future with me, and for the life of me, I couldn't wash away the stain of his infidelity. Or mine. I couldn't wash away his touch or his children or his wife.

Every time our daughter cries, I hear him say, "I'm married."

"YOU killed my grandson."

The first of many choice things your grandmother had to say to me after finding your note and your body.

We were together for three years and I loved you as much as my body and soul could. I poured every bit of who I am into out relationship because it was the best damn thing that I had. I had plans to spend my life with you.

You left me a note specifically for me and me alone. So you can only imagine what kind of things your family had to say about me.

We just recently moved past this, but I don't think your grandmother will ever understand how much that affected me.

Because for the longest time, I truly believed that it was my fault.

I had just started a new job a few days before and was trying to find a parking space in the employee deck. I noticed a couple of cars lined up but not running, and I didn't know what they were doing. A car was pulling out of a spot in front of the line of cars so I drove around them and parked.

After I got out a woman in one of the cars I had gone around (I hadn't even been able to tell someone was in there) rolled down her window and started yelling at me for being so rude to just pass the line of people waiting for spots like that.

It turns out the lot can get so overcrowded that people can wait for over twenty minutes for a spot, so they will turn off the car completely. I immediately said that I was sorry and that I hadn't realized that was what they were waiting for. I said that I would move my car and she could have the spot. As I turned to go back to my car I said that I was sorry again. The woman replied, "You should be." 

I have always been shy, self-conscious, and had very low self-esteem. After she said that, I felt terrible and guilty. My confidence was shot. Even worse, I couldn't get it out of my head. Almost every time I parked in that deck the memory would get triggered and I would feel bad.

It was over a year later when I had an epiphany. Something had caused me to think about that incident when a switch flipped in my head and I suddenly thought, "Wait a minute. Screw her." It hit me that I had made an honest mistake and as soon as I found out, I fixed it. I had no intent to be rude and she certainly didn't suffer any. If an extra ten seconds waiting for me to move my car ruined her day she had some serious issues. There was absolutely no reason for me to feel bad and she had no reason to say I should.