"...piece in the backseat."

I was talking to this guy online for a few months. He always listened to what I had to say and let me vent, and he always responded when I messaged him. I told him about my love life and about school, and I sent him pictures of myself (nothing graphic).

Then one day we got into an argument, and he completely turned on me. He used everything I had shared with him against me. He twisted my own words around and used them to hurt me. He said: 

"You think because you are overweight you are worthless, so you will sleep with anything, male or female, and think it's cool. But no one will ever bring you home to meet mom and dad. You will always just be some piece in the backseat."

This was four or five years ago, but I still remember word for word what he said. I memorized it. 

"Perfect."

When I was thirteen, I was raped, and both of my breasts were severely mutilated. I had to have a partial mastectomy because of it. 

Eleven years later, my husband saw me in the nude for the first time on our wedding night. I had never told him of the trauma I endured for fear that he might not want me anymore. 

His reaction was the opposite of what I expected. 

He kissed every scar with tenderness I didn't even know existed, and he said to me, "These scars only give your stretch marks something to gossip about. Your breasts are perfect." 

That was the moment I truly fell in love with him. 

"She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch."

When I was 15, I overheard my mom talking to my stepdad about me. She said,  "She's a fat ass and needs to get off the couch." 

I'm 19 now, and have lost almost 100 pounds. But her words still hurt. Every time I see myself in the mirror, I never feel like I'm skinny enough.
 

"Colorful, like you!"

I love baking, and I usually try to bring whatever I bake to work or so I don't end up eating all of it. People are always very appreciative, and I always try to be as creative as possible and outdo my last confection.

It was Easter, and I didn't have time to bake like I usually do, but someone else had brought in some really cute chocolate pretzel bites with pastel M&Ms. I asked my coworker if she knew who brought them, and she said, "Oh, I thought you did because they are bright and colorful, like you!"

I think that low-key changed my life. It certainly finally gave me the confidence to color my hair purple, which I have always wanted to do, but until then had made due with a bright auburn.

This was last year, and I still think about it with pride when I get dressed or look in the mirror or pick out something colorful to wear or buy.

Doomed to Hell

My mom once told me that before I was born, my paternal aunt wrote her a letter saying that because I was conceived out of wedlock, I was not loved by Jesus and "would ultimately be doomed to hell."

I don't actually believe in heaven or hell, but it's still not very comforting to find out that one of my close family members feels this way about me.

I wish my mom had kept this story to herself. 
 

"You suck at this disease."

When I was in high school I suffered from bulimia. I decided to make a PSA on YouTube explaining the dangers of bulimia so no one would suffer the way I did. 

One of the first comments I got was: "Clearly you suck at this disease because you're fat as fuck. You will never get married. You will never have children. Until you drop 30 pounds people will always be laughing behind your fat ass!" 

I deleted the video that same night, but the comments still stayed burned in my brain. 

Fast forward to a year later. I told my new boyfriend about my eating disorder and this was what he said to me: 

"Well, no offense, but do you plan on losing any more weight? Because I like my women skinny." 

Two days later, he raped me in my own house. I got pregnant by him and had a miscarriage. I starved myself to stay skinny for him only to find out he cheated on me with several other girls on campus. I stayed with him for almost five months because after reading that one YouTube comment, I wholeheartedly believed no one else would want to date my fat ass. I stayed with him for as long as I did because I knew I couldn't do any better. 

That was five years ago. For the most part, I'm recovered, and I'm dating someone I've been good friends with for the last few years. He treats me better than I've ever known and tells me I'm sexy every single day. Some days I have a hard time believing him, and some days I think I don't deserve his love because of how I look. And some days I still blame myself for publishing that video knowing how cruel people on the internet can be. 
 

"Did you learn anything here?"

I'm a 31-year-old woman who works as a gardener at a small hardware store in Central Florida. Occasionally I'll work the cash register, and one day I overheard an older male customer talking to a coworker of mine. We were the only three people in the vicinity, and I was not part of the conversation. They were talking about women, in general, in a mostly old-fashioned pedestal way that's wholly unnecessary. 

Then the older man started speculating about why younger women don't marry anymore, and he concluded that it must come down to childhood trauma and bad parenting. (Apparently the concept of childhood trauma and abuse doesn't predate 1985, and it only pertains to women.)

Before the man left, he turned to me, pointed his finger at me and said, in a most accusing tone, "Did YOU learn anything here?" 

I was taken aback and said something jumbled, socially awkward and probably weird, I don't quite remember what. Something about women being regular people. To which he replied, "Well you just like to complicate it, don't you?"

You know, I did learn something that day. I learned that it's 2016, and to many men, women are basically considered children.


 

"Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright."

Neither of my parents were in my life. I was raised by my maternal grandmother.

One day, when I was about 7 or 8, I remember coming to her asking why my dad and mom didn't want me. As I started to cry, my grandmother held me and said, "Honey! Honey. Listen to me. Your father and mother are the ones missing out. And they will regret it because you are an intelligent, beautiful, sweet girl who will grow into an amazing young woman. And when they do start wanting to come around and try to make amends? Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright. Don't let me, your aunt, your uncle, cousins, your godparents, your mother, your father, or whoever tell you how to feel."

Years later, what she said did come true. My father has apologized numerous times for not being there and so has my mother. But I'm in my prime, I'm in my 20s. And sometimes they get upset when I don't call them or talk to them as much like I do my grandmother, aunt, cousins, etc. 

But I just ignore both of them because I remember what my grandmother said all those years ago. 

"Good, bad, or indifferent, however you feel about them is alright."

"Why does this shit always happen to you?"

My parents divorced when I was 7. My father, who I loved so much, didn't want much to do with my brother and me after. He'd tell us he'd pick us up on Christmas, then not show up. My mother would offer to drop us off at his place and pick us up, but he'd say he was too busy. 

When I was 19, I was in a car accident, so my mother suggested I call my father to ask him for help, since he was a police officer. I will never, till my dying day, forget his words.

"Why does this shit always happen to you? You're a fuck up just like your mother, and every thing you have is shit. I can't deal with you. Don't ask me for anything". 

I was completely crushed. I cried for days. I never spoke to him again. My children never knew him, and he died alone. I had absolutely no guilt. But when I think of his last words to me, 24 years later, I still cry. 

"Why would you worry about your hair?"

My husband was driving us to the store one day, and I asked him to roll up the window because the wind was blowing my hair too much. 

He responded, "With a fat ass and fat stomach, why would you worry about your hair?"

I was pregnant with our first child at the time. 

I haven't felt comfortable naked around my husband since. It's been thirty years.