"You'd fail."

"You could have at least worn wings." - My dad, after my performance as the fairy in Velveteen Rabbit in middle school. 

"You'd fail in the army. Your sister would excel and your brother would even do well, but you're too sensitive. You'd fail." - My dad, after I told him I planned join the army after high school.

"She's only going to college because she has nowhere else to live." - My dad, when I got accepted to my first choice college.

"All right, that's enough kids for now." - My dad, moments after I delivered my second child.

"Hey you, I haven't heard from you in a while." - My dad, recently. 

Wonder why.

"Men want to be taken care of..."

As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to get married. 

I got sick when I was 21, and have been in chronic pain every minute of every day in the ten years that have followed.

One day my dad said to me, "No man will ever love you. Men want to be taken care of, not to take care of you. You'd make a terrible wife."

I still think he's right. 

Five Pounds

I picked out my prom dress all by myself. It took me hours to find something that wasn't like anything anyone else was wearing, in my style, in the right price point for a broke high school student, and had appropriate coverage to get the approval from my parents. I finally found a dress that was perfect, and it was on sale! I couldn't wait to go home and try it on for my mom. 

I walked into the house with my first real "adult" purchase, put the gown on and stepped out of my bedroom, prepared for the ooh's and ahhh's. 

My mother gave me two looks and said, "You're going to lose five pounds before prom, right?" 

I've been on a weight roller coaster ever since. Thanks, Ma.

"...revolting."

I have two daughters. They are my life and I love them to death. The fact remains, however, that having children changed my body. It has made me so insecure, but I've been trying to embrace body positivity for myself.

I was recently on the phone with a dear male friend, and he was talking about his ex-girlfriend who had a child. He referred to her stomach as "disgusting", "vile", "revolting" and "strange".

It was like all the confidence that I had been building suddenly fell. I can't stop thinking about it. 
 

"You need to learn how to shut your mouth."

For as long as I can remember, I was sexually harassed by a family member. He sent me dirty pictures, asked for sexual favors, and told me that when I was old enough, he would show me what love meant and more. 

I tried to tell my family multiple times. No one believed me. Every time I spoke up, he would back off for a short time, but when he started again it would be more aggressive.

What stuck with me the most was after the last time I tried to say anything, another family member said to me, "You're nothing but a liar who likes to cause drama, and you need to learn how to shut your mouth." 

After that, I kept silent for 5 years before finally trying to tell someone else. 
 

"Despite your circumstances..."

I went into foster care when I was 16. I made the choice to do it, not wanting to go back to my abusive father after being taken from my drug addict mother. 

I had switched schools twice that year and got diagnosed with depression and bipolar. I felt depressed most days because of my parents, being at a new school, etc. 

But I had one amazing teacher who was always commending me on my schoolwork. I remember one thing in particular he said to me: "Despite the classes you're taking, and despite your circumstances, you're still managing to kick ASS in my class." 

That comment still makes me smile to this day. 

He ended up writing me a letter of recommendation for college and calling me over the summer to see how I was doing. This was back in 2010 and a thank you letter to him is long overdue. 

There were lots of horrible things that my parents said during my time in foster care which stuck with me too, but I wanted to share something that actually made me feel good about myself.

"I'm going to make sure my grandbaby isn't going to hell."

I started dating my now-fiancé when I was 16, and his mother hated me from the start. She has said many hurtful things over the years, but one in particular sticks with me. We were barbecuing at my fiancé's house, and he went inside to help his dad, leaving me alone outside with his mom.

Ever since I told her that I'm agnostic, she's always gone on about how I'm going to hell. But that night she brought up children and baptism. I told her that I would not be baptizing my child because I believe it's a choice to be left up to them. 

She put her hand on mine and said, "You won't be there, but I'm going to make sure my grandbaby isn't going to hell, too." 

I never told my fiancé what his mother said, but it makes me scared to have children.

"You should kill yourself..."

I was in a four-year relationship in which I was constantly hiding my emotions and bottling up everything that was bothering me. 

One day I woke up, and something clicked. I was so angry at him. I don't think I've ever been as angry as I was at that moment. 

I finally stood up for myself.

But it didn't make me feel better. I remember feeling so sad, so guilty. I remember my phone vibrating and reluctantly opening his message. 

"You should kill yourself, you abusive scum."

I think about that a lot. I have moved on, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget his words.
 
I ended the relationship and found a very nice companion. It's so funny to me how a one-year relationship can be 100 times better than a relationship that lasted four years. 
 

"You don't want to touch her..."

When I was 16, I was molested by a guy I had known for years, and he gave me an incurable STD.

One night, after this had occurred, I went out with my sister and a guy she was dating. 

Somehow the topic of threesomes came up, and I noticed my sister texting her date: "You don't want to touch her because she's dirty."

To this day, I can't bring myself to tell my sister that what she said killed me a little inside. 
 

"You were such a difficult child."

When I was very young, my mother married a man who turned out to be sadistic and abusive in many ways. A few years later, my mother left me with my biological father because I told someone what was happening.

For years, I carried anger and resentment over all of this and hoped that one day I would get the apology I felt I deserved. 

One night when I was an adult, during a lengthy conversation with my mother over all the abuses I went through and how I felt abandoned and betrayed, she said, "I'm sorry that's how you felt. But you were such a difficult child." 

This was devastating to say the least. 

The realization that my own mother felt I deserved what I went through because I was "such a difficult child," and that the genuine apology I wanted so deeply was never going to come, broke my heart. 

Our relationship is much better these days, but I can't tell you how often those words play in the back of my mind. 

"You were such a difficult child."