"Your own mother doesn't want to be your mother!"

/

When I was twelve, my dad and my mom split up because my mom had a serious drug and alcohol problem. I lived with my dad, who eventually got a new girlfriend. 

Of course having her as the new mom-like figure in my life, and me being an immature teenager, I always told her that she wasn't my mom and shouldn't act like it. It always made her furious, which I enjoyed. 

But I'll never forget the last time I said that to her. We were arguing outside of my brother's school in her van, waiting for him to come out. Full on screaming and pulling each other's hair. 

When I said it, she replied with, "I know I'm not your mother! I don't want to be your mother! Your own mother doesn't want to be your mother!" 

I let go and sobbed into a big ball. 

She felt terrible, but I'll never forget how her words made me feel. 

I knew my mom wasn't around, and I had always blamed myself for that for absolutely no reason. But now my dad's girlfriend was giving that fear a voice that would always play in my head from then on. 

"I picked him but I didn't pick you."

/

My mother's husband always disliked me and frequently physically and verbally abused me. It got worse when I started fighting back, at around 9 or 10. One day we got into a vicious argument, and he locked me out of the house. 

My mom eventually came home and asked why I was crying on the porch, and I told her what had happened. She told me that I was instigating trouble with him.

I asked why she always sided with him, and her response was, "I will always side with him. I picked him but I didn't pick you."

I've never forgotten that. 

Every time I see her, that's what I think of. I'll never forget that she didn't "pick" me. 

Ever since then, I've never picked her either. And I never will.

"Boys can't be sexually assaulted by girls."

/

When I was in high school I struggled with my sexuality. I never dated, never 'experimented.' My freshman year a female friend of mine asked me out, but I declined because I didn't have feelings like that for her. She said okay, and we continued to be friends.

Before the end of the year she sexually assaulted me, at the school, when nobody was around. When I tried to tell people, they dismissed me and said that I was lying because she wasn't attractive and I was ashamed. And many people said, "Boys can't be sexually assaulted by girls."

Years later I moved across the country and began to move past the trauma of being assaulted. A girl who was acquainted with my roommate came to our apartment and told me that she thought I was attractive. I removed myself from the situation and went to bed, the reminder of what happened last time made me sick. 

Then she forced herself into my bed and I was sexually assaulted again. She said I couldn't tell anyone because they wouldn't believe me anyway.

That will never leave me. 

And even now that I am in a happy, loving relationship I still get a spike of fear when someone reveals that they find me attractive.
 

"You are by far the most loving person I know. You're also the most gullible."

/

When I was 18, I was in a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship. He moved into my apartment, took over my life, got me pregnant, then left.

I moved back home with my parents and went back to school. I got an awesome job, and my son and I moved out on our own. We were doing fairly well. 

Then when I was 22, I got pregnant again. My boyfriend said, "Get an abortion and I'll stay. Keep it and I'm gone." 

I was crushed. I didn't get an abortion with my first child back when my life was a wreck, so why would I do it now? So he moved literally across the country. And I was, yet again, left pregnant and alone.

After I had my second son, the boys and I met with my best friend for lunch. I was having a rather emotional day and I started to cry. I said to him, "When I love, I love with every ounce of my being, so why do I only find these guys who play me like a puppet?"

He reached across the table, patted my eyes, grabbed my hand, smiled at my four-year-old, looked at my newborn, and said in a soft, sweet voice, "Sweetheart, for as long as I've known you, you are by far the most loving person I know. You're also the most gullible. Anyone can tell you they love you, and you will believe it every single time."

Since that day, I haven't been able to believe anyone who says they love me. Not even him. 

Now he says I need to loosen up and try dating again. No thanks! I've learned my lesson, and the boys and I couldn't be happier on our own.
 

It will not define me.

/

I'm a singer, actress and artist with a passion for theater. I majored in Musical Theater for 3 semesters, all while minoring in Studio Art, being an Honors student, maintaining a 4.0 GPA, and earning a reputation as the most hardworking and respectful student in my class. I was sure I had found my calling in life. 

Imagine my shock when, after confidently performing at Evaluation, I was discreetly taken to my professor's office and told that I didn't pass, and I wouldn't be allowed to continue my major. 

Because of my anxiety issues. 

Because of the bites on my arms from panic attacks. 

Because they thought I was too damaged-goods to survive in the industry. 

Well guess what? 

I just performed in Hamlet, and an expert authority on Shakespeare in the audience said it was, "The best college production of [ANYTHING they] had ever seen," and called it "professional." 

Oh, and don't get get me started on the number of famous actors who suffer every day from anxiety and mental disorder and still kick ass. 

So, yes, as long as I live I will never forget the moment my professor I looked up to told me I couldn't do it. Yes, it will haunt me for years to come.

But with God as my witness, it will not define me.

"You will never be able to make good decisions on your own."

/

When I was younger, my dad used to always ask me, "Why do you always make bad choices?" As I got older, it turned into, "You will never be able to make good decisions on your own." 

In early adulthood, he stopped saying anything when I made mistakes. He would just give me a look and walk away. 

Now as an adult with two children of my own whose father walked away, my dad tells me quite often how proud he is of me. He frequently reminds me that I'm doing a wonderful job with the boys, and he has a fantastic relationship with them both. 

But as close as my dad and I are now, I can still hear him tell me how I'll never do anything good, or that I can't make decisions for myself. 

Every decision I make, big or small, feels like life or death to me. I'm constantly calling and asking my dad what I should do, and he'll talk with me until I decide. He's a phenomenal father and grandfather, but I wish had been more understanding and less judgmental when I was growing up. 
 

"Your shoes are very pink."

/

Growing up, my family didn't have much money. My parents always tried the best they could to provide for me.

In 8th grade, my mom treated me to a new pair of pink lace-up work-style boots from Kmart. I was so excited about them and confident that I could rock them, until I wore them to school.

After a day of awkward stares, I was walking to the bus stop when one of the popular kids told me, "Your shoes are very pink." 

I excitedly replied, "Thank you!" and I was feeling suddenly confident again. 

He chimed backed in as I was walking away, "I never said I liked them." And I was immediately shot down.

I went home and cried that night, and never wore the shoes again. The shoes my mother worked so hard to buy. 

It's funny how words can hurt a child so deeply.