"She sounds dumb anyway."

I moved to the USA from Costa Rica when I was 10 years old. English was not my first language, but I was doing pretty well. 

In 8th grade when I was 14, my school went on a trip to saint Augustine, FL. Everyone decided to get henna tattoos, but I didn't have enough money for one.

When one of the chaperones asked why I wasn't getting one, I said, "I just don't want a TA TU." (I mispronounced it because of my accent.) She laughed and told me to just call it a tat. I tried to say it that way, and then I told her that I thought that made me sound dumb. 

As I walked away she turned to her son and said, "She sounds dumb anyway." They started laughing. 

I turned around and told them that they weren't being nice, but they didn't care. They just kept laughing at the 14 year old girl who had an accent.
 

"You're the winning team."

I could never commit to school. I've always been very anxious and weird, and of course that's blood in the water for the horrific nightmare sharks that are children. 

The one thing I actually liked doing was writing, because I could express myself without feeling overwhelmingly self-conscious. 

A teacher that I genuinely liked and respected, who I think came to know me exclusively through the essays I turned in, once told me, "You're the winning team. People root for you." 

I don't necessarily think there's anyone screaming my name from the bleachers, but for one meaningful second, I felt like maybe things would be okay.
 

"What kind of a retarded freak are you?"

My birthday is in September, so I was just 11 years old when I started 7th grade. My Spanish teacher was going over the lesson, and I kept mispronouncing several words. She finally exploded at me in front of the class and said, "What kind of a retarded freak are you?" 

I turned bright red while more than 60 eyes zeroed in on my agony. 

Later that day, I went home and just cried. Cried and cried. My parents were the type that felt the teacher could do no wrong. It was the first time in my life someone other than family had made me feel so worthless and useless. 

Somehow, I made it through 7th grade and the Spanish language well enough to become fluent in it. 

Years later, I became a New York City teacher. I spent about 30% of my time as a teacher speaking Spanish with students, most of whom were from Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic. 

In my last year teaching before I retired, a student asked me why I became a teacher. It was at that very moment I actually realized why. 

I never wanted another child to be publicly humiliated by a teacher like I was by my 7th grade Spanish teacher.
 

"I didn't want to die alone."

When my ex got out of a long relationship and started dating me, he found himself in a hard place. At the time, he truly believed he was dying of an STD. He told me he wanted to marry me, have a family, the whole nine. 

When I actually wound up unintentionally pregnant, he broke up with me. 

Many months later I asked him why he would say he wanted to marry me, have a family and a home if he didn't actually mean it. 

He responded with, "I thought I was dying, and I didn't want to die alone." 

After all this time, I've healed. I have a beautiful child that I adore with everything in me, and I am thankful every day for my small babe. 

However, that one line has stuck with me. It is the only thing I haven't let go of because it is such a cruel and powerful sentence.
 

"You're so ugly."

When I was in high school, there was a girl who would whisper in my ear every time I walked by her. 

Every day, multiple times a day, she'd come up to me and whisper, "You're so ugly."
 

Connect the Dots

In second grade, there was one kid who always picked on me. He called me lots of names and said lots of mean things to me all year, but the one thing that stuck with me the most was when he said, "Let's play connect the dots, and you're it!"

Kids can be so cruel. I couldn't help that I had freckles!

I'm 31 years old now, and I love all of me. I try not to let anyone's opinion bother me, but I still remember the way that kid made me feel all those years ago. 

"Is she pregnant?"

One day I was at my boyfriend's house watching TV with his family. I glanced over at him and saw that he said, "No," to his uncle. I asked what his uncle had asked him, and my boyfriend responded, "Nothing, babe."

I persisted, and eventually he told me. 

"He asked if you were pregnant."

I felt my heart drop. 

I got up and walked out of the room and cried.

I lost 25 pounds within the next month. I worked out twice a day and hardly ate. 

My boyfriend is very supportive and always has been. He's never made me feel fat or ugly, but whenever I look in the mirror or eat, I hear those words over and over in my head.

New Year's Eve

An ex once told me, "How you spend your New Year's Eve is how you'll spend the rest of the year."

We had a terrible New Year's Eve, and a terrible relationship.

Fast forward six years.

Last night was amazing. 

Happy New Year!
 

Sophomore Star

I have always loved performing, so I was thrilled when I was cast in a leading role in my high school's musical as a sophomore. 

After an awesome opening night, a boy who had graduated the year before (and who had been the lead in previous musicals) approached me backstage. 

He said, "I was so impressed with your performance! I'm awarding you the Sophomore Star!"  

He said that it was a secret, word-of-mouth honor given by the musical theater alumni to the underclassmen they knew would go on to do great things. He had received the award as a sophomore, and so it was his prerogative to pass it on when and to whom he saw fit. 

I think even at the time I knew that he was making this up, but I didn't care. It was so kind of him to find such a special way to make me feel important.

Even now, as an adult, when I am nervous before a presentation at work, I remind myself that I am the Sophomore Star, and that I will do great things.

"Damn, you're amazing."

For years, since I was a kid, I was ridiculed. Having been overweight and friendless for a long time, I was always the girl in the corner. The girl that never participated in group activities, the girl that never left her house, or always chose to stay in the classroom rather than going out to the playground.

When I was diagnosed with anxiety, nothing changed. Except that a few people started to know who I was because of sudden panic attacks I would get in class.

My parents were always gone, and they didn't even have a clue as to what was happening. And when they found out, they didn't care. They blamed me and told me to get over it, saying, "Life only gets worse."

The years passed and I began to grow close to one boy. Let's call him T. He made me feel in a way happy. The relationship was completely platonic. I started to get terrified that he would grow tired and leave me when I was finally feeling happy. So I began pushing him away. We stopped talking.

I currently attend a university, one I intentionally picked to get away from familiar faces. Except, there was one familiar face. And I didn't mind so much that it was T.

The first semester of college is always the difficult one, some people told me. They weren't wrong. But T made it manageable. One night, when I was alone in my dorm, I borrowed my roommate's scale, fearing I had gained the "Freshman 15." I was right. 

I broke my full length mirror. I cried. I bled. I had an anxiety attack and I trashed all of my food that was in the fridge. 

Someone knocked on the door, and I gathered myself the best I could and quietly announced that I was studying. When I heard a familiar voice say, "Are you decent for me to enter?" I wanted to scream. I was lying on the ground, a hot mess, and didn't want to see anyone.

I replied, "Yeah, but–." I forgot that my door was unlocked, and he stepped inside.

He sat down and held me. He told me something nobody has ever said before.

"Life is not an easy journey, and it sure as hell is not meant to be beautiful all the time. But you are f*cking amazing and strong, because I know you're going to stand up, take a shower and tomorrow you're gonna walk outside and smile at everyone. Damn, you're amazing." 

I started crying, of course, because what he said was more than truth. It was my life for years. Something nobody ever noticed, but I screamed for someone to see.