"Are you sure you're not anorexic?"

/

For as long as I can remember, I've always eaten like a horse, yet I never gain weight. 

One day in high school, someone asked me, "Are you sure you're not anorexic?"

This comment took me by surprise, and ever since then I've always thought of myself as "anorexically skinny," even though I know that I am not anorexic and never have been. 

"If your knees were just a little bit smaller, you'd be perfect."

/

I was a sprinter on the track and field team all throughout high school. I was in the best shape of my life, but sometimes I felt self conscious about my legs because they were thicker than the other girls' legs (this was a Catholic school, so having sexy little legs with your rolled up skirt was all the rage). 

Usually when I had these thoughts about my legs, I would quickly brush them aside, assuring myself that I was being ridiculous and that my legs looked good.

But one day in sophomore religion class, I sat down next to the "cool/hot" guy, and he said to me, "You're beautiful, but if your knees were just a little bit smaller, you'd be perfect." 

I immediately told him off after he said that, but six years have gone by and his voice is still in the back of my head every time I go to try on skirts or dresses.

"At least one of them will turn out normal."

/

After years of abuse, a group home, and an abusive foster mother, my life finally settled down. I went to therapy, got diagnosed with depression and PTSD, and received the help I needed. I became happier, more confident, more in control of my life than I have ever been. I felt like for the first time, my life was going in the right direction.

One day I was talking to my adoptive mother about how my little brother might be too young for therapy because he wasn't talking much in his sessions. The she told me what his therapist said to her:

"At least one of them will turn out normal." 

I had always felt judged for what my birth parents did, but hearing that a professional believed that I would forever be tainted because of my past sticks with me. 

I may have issues, but I am not broken. I am not destined to follow in my parents' footsteps and I'm not destined to lose my battle with my illnesses. 

I understand all of this on a logical level, but there's still that intrusive voice telling me that I will fail, I'm sick, I'm not normal, and I never will be.

"Did you always have all those little dots on your face?"

/

I started attending a spiritual group for a few weeks, and I quickly grew to love it. After the meeting, a bunch of us would go eat at this little restaurant and just have a good time.

An older gentleman, an amazing mad scientist, soon joined. I was totally fascinated by him and I was eager to talk to him one-on-one. 

One day at the restaurant, we ended up sitting next to each other and chatting. All of a sudden he said, "What is that on your face?" 

Confused, I asked him to clarify. 
He replied, "I didn't have my glasses before. Did you always have all those little dots on your face?" 

I was stunned, and I managed a quiet, "Yes." 

I never returned to the group after that. I was plagued with mortifying thoughts of how he could ask that in such a way, as if it wouldn't offend me. 

My skin is clear now, but this still sticks with me. 

"It's okay; I'm fat too!"

/

When I was 9, I was a little more developed than everyone else. One day in class, I walked past a table of kids and I heard one boy say, "Oh, she's so fat!" 

I confronted them, and soon the teacher came by to see what was going on. At first the kids denied having said anything, but eventually the boy confessed, saying, "It's okay; I'm fat too!" 

As if that made it okay. 

A year later, I changed schools and met my two best friends. I'm fifteen now, and we're still best friends. They don't care how I look, and because of their love and support, neither do I. 

 

"Is that you?"

/

I work as a beauty advisor, and one day a former classmate who I didn't know very well happened to stop in. I look different than I did when I was younger. My naturally blond hair is dyed purple, and I have quite a few noticeable piercings and gauged ears. I also no longer wear color-correcting contacts for my rare eye condition called "Heterochromia," which makes my eyes two different colors. 

At first she just kind of stared at me and didn't say much. But once I offered her assistance, she scowled at me and asked, "Is that you? What are you doing as a beauty advisor? Shouldn't you know a thing or two about beauty?" 

This made me feel incompetent at my job, and I even wanted to leave and quit. To this day, I am self conscious about how I appear in public. 
 

"Nobody will ever want you or love you."

/

I have struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life. I started using food to cope, and I ended up gaining about 50 pounds, which only made my depression worse. 

One day, my sister texted me after she'd recently moved out. She knew how I felt about my weight, but she wrote this anyway: "You're a fat piece of shit and nobody will ever want you or love you." 

To this day, I can't get over those words, and I'm not sure I ever will. I have a crush, and every time I think about talking to him or just saying hello, I remember those words and I shut down completely. Anytime I wonder if I'll find love, I think about what my sister said. 
 

"You can't leave me alone."

/

I moved in with my dad when I was 15, but I still felt like my mom and little brother were my responsibility, and that I let them down by leaving to live with my dad.

I told my dad that I wanted to go back to my mom's, and he said things like, "You're being selfish," "You can't leave me alone," "I know you have a better heart than that; you're not like your mom," or "You're two-faced as f**k." 

He would get mad at me if I ever told my mom about my worries or anger towards him, and he would then say nasty comments until I was a crying mess. Then he would send me to school while he would stay home and complain about me to our downstairs neighbors. 

I still can't get over feeling like I've betrayed both of my parents. I still feel responsible for my parents and little brother. I can't help feeling like I'm trapped in a corner.