Captain Morgan

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My mother's ex-husband was an alcoholic. His drink of choice was Captain Morgan mixed with Mountain Dew. I would smell it on him when he came home, I would smell it on him when he screamed at me, and I would smell it on him when he beat me. He would tell me how fat and useless and stupid I was, and I could smell it on his breath. 

To this day, I have trouble accepting compliments, and I can't stand the smell of Captain Morgan.

Asexuality

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I recently started coming out as asexual to my family and close friends. It's something I'm still figuring out myself, and am trying not to be insecure about. It's hard when people close to me make comments like this:

"You just haven't had enough experience with relationships yet. Once you've had a good relationship this should change. If it doesn't, you should get your hormones checked. You might want to get counseling to see if trauma caused this." - My mother

"Well, I don't think you really have enough experience to know for sure." - My best friend

"You probably haven't found the right person yet. You just have to wait." - My cousin

But some friends never fail to bring me up, reassure me, and are supportive of my identity <3

"Your sexuality is valid, and anyone who disagrees is trash." - My ace friend

"Life will always work out for someone like you."

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The day after my boyfriend and I broke up, I sobbed about it on the phone with my cousin, who was three months younger than I was. 

For hours we relived our childhood memories and the games we created together and holidays we spent together. We talked about how excited we were to see each other in three weeks, when she would have her new car and I would be done with my semester. 

She told me, "Life will always work out for someone like you." 

She turned my tears into laughter. 

She died an hour and a half later in a car accident. 

I like to think that God, if there is one, knew he was going to take her and gave me one last time to relive everything we did together and how much we loved each other. 

During that phone call, I told her for the first time, "I know you look up to me, but I want you to know that your big cousin looks up to you too." I felt the urge to say this, out of nowhere. 

I miss her every day, but that last conversation is what keeps me together. I'm so thankful for whatever in the universe gave me that solace to be able to say goodbye, even when I didn't know I would have to. 

I live by her words, that life will work out for someone like me. And she gets to look down from heaven and watch it happen.
 

What Hurt the Most

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I'm not mad. I won't be mad. I refuse to be. All the kisses are good memories, the presents, the loving smiles and lovey dovey talking. 

Now it's different. You lost your focus for me, and gained it for my best friend. That emotionally killed me. Me desire to go on was crushed, but I was determined to stay friend with you. 

Then you proceeded to tell me that life was hard for you because you had no chance with her. That hurt me the most.
 

Mannequin

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When I was 12, I had to go swim suit shopping with my mother for a one piece to wear to my cousin's church camp. After picking an orange swim suit to represent our group's color, she pointed and the clear plastic mannequin the swim suit was on and laughed, "Oh look, even the mannequin has bigger boobs than you do!"

Rape Joke

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When I was only 7 years old, in second grade, I was teased about my weight and my choices in clothes. No girls wanted to be my friend and guys called me ugly all the time. 

What stuck with me was that one day, a boy who I had a crush on told me the only way I would loss my virginity is if I got raped. 

I wonder how he would feel knowing that that is how it happened. That I lost my virginity against my will.
 

"Just look at you!"

/

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me again. I knew it was stupid to stay with him, but we had been dating since my freshman year of high school, and we were going on five years, so it terrified me to leave him. Each time he cheated on me was for a different reason, so I simply asked, "What's your excuse this time?" 

He looked at me with fury in his eyes and blurted out, "Well just look at you! You've let yourself go. You do not look the same as when I first met you. I know I don't look the same either, but I'm not as bad as you." 

I was stunned. I was a 150 pound 15 year old girl when we met, and stood in front of him as a 180 pound woman. 

I didn't even cry. I just excused myself from the room. 

I don't know what possessed me to stay with him for another year. He never even apologized. The most he ever said was, "That was a bad choice of words." 

After that night, I exercised constantly behind his back. To this day I'm a fitness freak, only because I'm scared to death of gaining weight and having another person fall out of love with me.
 

"You're too fat."

/

Once when I was in middle school, I was joking around with my dad and we were just having a grand ole time. Then I tried to climb on him, but he wouldn't let me. He said, "You're too fat to be doing this." 

I immediately stopped and ran and locked myself in my room and just cried and cried. I could hear my mom yelling at him for being such a dick. 

To this day I'm still conscious about my weight because of him, even though I'm a 130 lbs and 5'7" college girl.