Acceptance

Ever since I was little, I dreamed of going to college. Learning and knowledge have always intrigued me, and my parents never went to college. I was determined to be the first in our family. 

I spent the entire summer of my junior year applying for scholarships and to universities all over the US. I received a letter back from my first choice college, saying that I had been accepted!! 

I ran inside to tell my family. When I told my father the good news, he said, "It's not a hard college to get into." 

My heart shattered. I had worked so hard to get into my first pick, and when I did, he wasn't even phased. That's the moment that really stuck with me.
 

Amazing

"You talk too much. No one cares." - My aunt, when I was 8.

"Who sings this? How about you leave it to them?" - My father, when I was 11.

"Your hair doesn't matter. No one is going to be looking at it with those thunder thighs in the picture. You'd be pretty if you'd just stop eating." - Also my dad, when I was 13.

"No one will ever be as amazing as you are." - My husband, frequently. 

"Incessant piece of crap."

When I was a sophomore I had a horrible, horrible breakup with a guy I dated for a little over a year. He ended up leaving me for the girl he had told me for months was "just a friend". 

After he left, I tried to at least salvage my friendship with him since we had once been very close friends, only to get a reply from his new girlfriend telling me I was an "incessant piece of crap" and that, the universe would be better off if trash like me killed themselves. 

This put me in a really dark place, and it just got worse after my emotional support (my dog I had since I was a toddler) died in my arms, and two puppies I adopted after her death died weeks after their adoption. 

After that, I began to believe what she had told me. I began blaming myself for the deaths of my pets and began wishing I was just dead so no other creature would have to suffer my existence. 

It took a long time and a lot of therapy before I was finally pulled out of the dark place her words had sent me to, but even to this day if something goes wrong her words echo in the back of my mind and linger like a shadow following me.
 

"I can't wait until she turns sixteen."

When I turned twelve years old, I overheard our our 45-year-old neighbor say to my dad, "I can't wait until she turns sixteen so I can fuck the shit out of her." 

My neighbor didn't know that I heard him.

And my dad didn't know that I saw him punch our neighbor in the face.
 

Career Day

When I was in 7th grade, I mistakenly thought I was supposed to dress up for career day. I didn't know any better. People made fun of me for it, telling me I was weird and stupid. They laughed at me and joked about me. 

This was the moment in which I became extremely aware of myself. I started to get my entire self worth from other people's meaningless jokes, side comments, and attention. 

I am now in 11th grade with social anxiety, and can't even talk to people I don't know or only sort of know without crying and hyperventilating. Those comments definitely stuck with me.

"It's winter!!!"

When I was in 7th grade, I bought a new white miniskirt and couldn't wait to wear it to school. It was the middle of February, but I knew that people still wore skirts in the winter, as long as they were wearing tights.

When I showed up to school, my then-best friend waited for me at the top of the stairs to judge my outfit, like she did every day. She took one look at my short skirt and shouted, "What's wrong with you?! It's winter!" Then everyone looked at me and pointed out how crazy I was for wearing a skirt in February. 

She made sure I didn't forget my foolish decision all day long. Every time we passed each other in the hall, she would scream, "It's WINTER!!!" to me. This drove me crazy, because even if my choice to wear a skirt in February wasn't the wisest decision on my part, there was nothing she could say to change the fact that I was already at school in this outfit. It's not like if she said it extra-convincingly, my skirt would magically transform itself into long-johns and jeans. I was stuck at school in this tiny skirt, and her constant vocal protest of my outfit made me feel naked and exposed and trapped. 

She was a very unsupportive friend in general, and I am happy to say that we are no longer friends.

"...for what?"

Day 2 of motherhood. More visitors come and go. More smiles, hugs and kisses. More well wishes, but still no father. I call, text and call again. Then finally, he answers. 

Me: "Hey." 
Him: "Sup." 
Me: "He's here!" 
Him: "Oh." 
Me: "Are you coming to visit? I'm only here until tomorrow morning."
Him: *silence* "Visit...for what?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: "Let me call you back." *click*

I can not articulate the hurt and devastation I felt pulling the phone away from my ear. What was suppose to be one of the most exhilarating experiences in my life (having a child) turned out to be the most devastating. 

To this day, I am afraid to have another child because of the two nights I spent alone in my hospital bed. The two nights I cried. The conversation that pierced the depths of my soul. I never again want to feel that pain.
 

"I've always loved you."

It was 2010. I moved to a new town and was starting my first year of high school. I saw this guy around school all the time. He was a year ahead of me. I wanted to get to know him but I was too shy. I was just the new girl. One day, he approached me, and from that one encounter, we soon became best friends. But for me, shortly after, I realized that I loved him.

I could never tell him, because I didn't want to ruin what we shared. Years went by, and I got into a relationship in late 2012. He had been dating a girl since the year before. Things were going well. We were such great friends. Yet, despite having a boyfriend and caring about him, I couldn't help but love my best friend still. I'd fantasize what it must be like to hold his hand with our fingers intertwined. Or what it would be like to gently plant a kiss on his lips. 

But it was only in my dreams.

A few more years went by. And we both got out of our toxic relationships. It was 2014. I had just graduated from high school. We were at my house one day in the summer, laughing and drinking Capri Sun, having the most hilarious conversation, when he suddenly fell silent and whispered to me "You know...I've always loved you." 

I was stunned. At first I thought I was dreaming. But when I whispered "what..?" He smiled and said it again. "I've always loved you."

It is now 2016, and we are happily with one another. And I couldn't ask for anything more than to be with my best friend. Always.

8th Grade Dance

When I was in junior high, I was overweight and spent most of the school dances alone, in the corner. 

The last dance of 8th grade, the school hired a DJ who would dedicate songs to couples, and they would go to the floor and slow dance together. Imagine my surprise when the DJ announced the next slow song dedicated to me, by one of the most popular boys in school! We danced together, and I felt so special. 

After the dance was over, I returned to my dark corner where I overheard the DJ talking about a group of pranksters who were dedicating slow songs to all the fat/ugly/unpopular girls, so the popular boys had to dance with them. 

I have never been so humiliated.

15 years latter I have thankfully left behind my ugly duckling phase. That particular popular boy is now bald and short. But still, I don't think my self-esteem will ever recover from such mortification.
 

Black and White

I had a huge crush on a guy in 8th grade, and was devastated when he started going out with this girl I hated. 

I came home crying about it, and my mom just said, "Did you really think he would have picked you over her?" 

She said this because he was white, I was black, and the other girl was white. It was like I never had a chance because of that.

To this day, I still have doubts about myself when I find a white guy attractive.