"You'll never be raped."

My boyfriend and I were staying alone together one night, something we rarely got to do since he went to college about 5 hours away. Needless to say, it was a supposed to be a special night.

We'd been having sex for a year by then, but it was starting to hurt. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew that I physically could no longer have sex. And I honestly wasn't in the mood to do anything sexual because I was feeling so depressed about not being able to do it. 

That didn't seem to deter him.

He kept kissing me and it got to a point where it felt like we were fighting. It almost seemed like a game to him. It took me hitting, kicking, and biting him until he nearly bled for him to stop.

He lay down next to me while I curled into the fetal position, fighting back tears.

He said, "Well at least I know you'll never be raped!" Then he chuckled and went to sleep like nothing had happened. 

It still haunts me how close he came to succeeding, and how painful it would have been if he had.

Turns out I had a condition that makes sex very painful and I'm having surgery this week to remedy it.

He didn't believe me and thought he'd take advantage of the situation.

Screw that, I'd kick his ass every time.

"I knew you were promiscuous..."

When I was sixteen I tried to tell my (alcoholic) mom that I had been raped four years prior. I don't know how I wanted her to respond, but I needed her to know. 

As she lay on the couch, I spilled my guts about the older guy that took advantage of me years ago. 

After I finish my story all she had to say was, "I knew you were promiscuous, but I didn't know it started that young." 

She then proceeded to fall back asleep. 
 

Girls Like Me

The night I was raped, my rapist told me, "To girls like you, no means yes."

This has stuck with me, because in a way its true. But not the way he meant it. 

Every time a teacher told me I wasn't smart enough, I studied harder and longer so I could tell her, "Yes I am."

When I was told I would never advance at work, I improved my numbers to prove to my boss that, "Yes I could."

So I guess he was right.
To girls like me, no means yes.
 

"I would never date her"

When I moved back home, I worked at a restaurant with this guy whom I had previously known and always thought was really handsome. I was excited to be working with him and getting to know him. I couldn't wait to go to work and see him and spend time with him every day .

I'm pretty sure it was obvious how much I liked him, because one night he brought me home and we got together. At first I was hesitant because I was afraid of getting hurt, but I liked him so much, and he was really nice to me, so I took a chance.

We saw each other for about a month, until he got promoted. It was shortly after Christmas, and I remember getting him a present and everything. I couldn't wait to give it to him.

I walked out onto the porch and overheard him saying, "She gives a really good blow job, but I would never date her because her family is crazy and she's not attractive enough for me." 

I walked away. 

We never saw each other outside of work again.

Open Heart

Not long after having two open heart surgeries, I decided to start dating again.

I was seeing this guy for a few weeks before he broke things off.

When I asked him why, he told me it was because I was a "Frankenstein Zipper chest" and that my scar grossed him out.

Lesson learned.

I was raped and forced to tell my mom.

Her response:

"Well I hope you learned your lesson."

That response screwed me up almost as bad as the rape itself.

Laying on your back

When I was 13, I moved in with my dad and stepmom.

My stepmom hated me with a passion, and I can remember her looking at me one day and saying, "The only thing you will ever be good for is laying on your back."

To this day I still have a problem being intimate with someone.

"You don't know what "Rape" is..."

Three years ago I was date raped.

I went out for drinks with a guy I'd met online. Had two beers, was far, far from drunk and decided to go back to his place. Things start to get heavy, he wanted to have sex, I asked if he had a condom, he said no, and neither did I, so I said no.

He begged.

I said no.

He said it'll be fine, I still said no.

He eventually said, "it's fine" and we kept kissing. Then I feel him penetrate me; I shoved him off me and leave quickly after.

After six horrible months, being depressed and suicidal, I finally decided to report him. I lived in Jersey so I saw a Jersey based rape crisis center who then helped me report it in NY. Once in NY I was bounced and forced between 4 different precincts. The first said they couldn't help me. The second said the rape happened in a different jurisdiction, the third (which was the correct district) wouldn't take me because they didn't believe me, so I went back to the second, they said they'd help. They took my report and sent me to the Special Victims Squad. 

The Special Victims Squad didn't believe me. They called me desperate and said, "You don't know what Rape is, if you think Date Rape is real Rape." They claimed I was just pissed and "trying to get back at him" for him not wanting to date me.

As they shooed me out the door they added in, "Don't worry honey, you'll meet someone eventually. Just stay away from online dating."

Thanks for the advice.

One time when I was in high school my mother and I were talking about sex. My boyfriend at the time was an Evangelical Christian and because I loved him I had started to become one too. My mother kept trying to bring up sex and I kept laughing, insisting that we weren’t having sex - we weren’t - and to close the subject for good I told her that I was saving myself for marriage. She was stunned. She said, “But what if you’ve waited all that time and it’s bad?”

Always ready with Evangelical sound bites, I said, “If I have nothing to compare it to, how will I know?” I smiled. My mother looked me in the eyes, her face deadpan.

“You’ll know.”