"Why can't you be more like her?"

Growing up with a twin sister, I struggled with my identity. My sister was everything I was not, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never measure up to her. 

People constantly compared the two of us. She was always known as the "better" twin. I can recall multiple conversations where my mother would ask me, "Why can't you be more like her?" She would explain to me why others liked my sister more than they liked me, and that if i just tried to be more like her, they would like me too. 

One day I was sitting around a table with my sister and some friends at a church event. Our leader asked us a question, "Who do you think is the best person in here?"

Everyone voted, and my sister won. I went home and cried for hours. Why couldn't I be good enough? Why did everyone see me as less than her? 

That day I decided it was pointless to keep trying, and that I would simply never be good enough. I felt so alone living in her shadow, just hoping one day that I could shine. 

To this day, I still get asked the question "Why can't you be more like her?" 

Comparison is a terrible thing, and that is something I will always have to live with.
 

"Stupid b*tch."

I was riding my bike in the street, and I came to a crosswalk. I waited for the "Walk" signal, and crossed. As I was crossing, a massive truck started turning into the crosswalk at full speed. I tried to simultaneously stop my bike and yell to the driver to stop. The truck was so huge and he didn't see me, and I was very close to being hit. Thankfully at the very last second, the truck driver saw me and slammed the brakes.

I was shaken up and terrified. The driver waved at me in apology.

Then all of a sudden, a random guy walking on the street muttered loudly under his breath, "Stupid b*tch." 

I was shocked. I asked if he was talking to me.

He kept his head down as he passed me, saying, "Stupid f*cking b*tch."

Apparently I am a woman who voluntarily chose to almost get hit by a truck, just for fun. What a b*tchy thing for me to do. 

"You finally know how it feels."

I'm the youngest of five kids, and by far the heaviest. I've always been the fat kid. And my older sister always made fun of me for it.

A few years ago during Christmas when I was 17, my sister had put on a bit of weight and my dad jokingly pointed it out. 

I later walked in on my sister crying about it in the kitchen as she poured herself a drink. I remember thinking, "You finally know how it feels."

I still feel bad for thinking that.

"You're shaking the ground!"

I was in sixth grade, and very chubby for my age. 

We were lining up to go somewhere, and a girl behind me said, "God, you're shaking the ground!" 

Now whenever I walk, I always fear that I'm actually shaking the ground.

"I'll give you the f*cking gun."

When I was 11 and my sister was 15, my sister and I were having yet another argument with our mom about us being so overweight. 

According to my mom, we, "Would never find love," and, "How could anyone love us when we are just a couple of fat asses?" The usual arguments. 

(Note: I was only about 40 pounds overweight, my sister about 75. We weren't gigantic, but overweight.)

I was crying of course, so my sister spoke up mid-argument and said, "This is why so many kids our age are killing themselves!" 

I'll forever remember the tone in my mom's voice and the look in her eyes when she looked at us and said, "I'll give you the f*cking gun." 

I still think about it every single day.

"Too fat for the slide."

Growing up, I was always a little on the curvy side. I developed very early, and by age 8, wearing a bra was not even a question. 

One day while walking to the local park with my neighbor and her granddaughter, the granddaughter turned to me and said, "I don't know how you're going to play at the park. You're probably going to break the slide going down, because you're too fat." 

I felt the tears begin to swell up in my eyes. I turned to go home, but I was too far to walk on my own. My neighbor saw me begin to tear up, and all she said in response was, "Well, are we going to cry or walk to the park?" 

Even as a child, I knew that the way they were treating me was wrong. I trudged on to the park, but didn't get on any of the equipment. 

Ever since this experience, I always feel like everything I sit on is going to either break, crack, or fall apart.

"You should try to look more like her."

Freshman year of college, my extended family came over to our house for the Passover Seder. I had definitely gained the Freshman 15, but I didn't really feel bad about it or give it much thought. 

I was standing and talking to my younger cousin, who is rail thin. My great aunt came over to us, tried to pinch my cousin's stomach but couldn't, then turned to me and said, "Oh, sweetie, doesn't your cousin look great? You should try to look more like her."

I immediately excused myself to go into another room, and completely broke down and cried. My cousin, who is one of my best friends to this day, came in to find me. She told me how awful that experience had been, and assured me that our aunt was insane. 

I still think about that moment often. At every family gathering I become extremely self-conscious, just waiting for the criticism to come.

Spelling Bee Silence

In 7th grade, my best friend and I both made it into the final round of a school wide-spelling bee. We were the only two people left standing, which was a pretty big thing. We were the best spellers in the whole school! 

The winner would advance onto a regional tournament among the winners from a lot of different schools. 

I ended up winning the bee, and my best friend cried because she lost. She was so devastated that she had to go home. 

She never congratulated me or told me good job. 

Now we're juniors in high school, and I can honestly say this story is a perfect example of our relationship and how it still functions today.

"No one will ever want to date you."

One day in 8th grade, while waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was talking to my ex boyfriend and his group of friends. My ex and I had just broken up, but we were still on good terms. 

While we were all talking, my ex's brother interrupted us and said, "You're so ugly. No one will ever want to date you, besides my brother." 

I've always been bullied and called ugly, but it hurt even more coming from someone who actually knows who I am. 

I'm still not over the insecurities that came from middle and high school bullying. And I'm starting to think I never will be.

Holocaust Girl

"You look so thin, you could be a holocaust survivor!" 

Said to me by an acquaintance, thinking I would find it funny. I didn't.