I'm the youngest of five kids, and by far the heaviest. I've always been the fat kid. And my older sister always made fun of me for it.
A few years ago during Christmas when I was 17, my sister had put on a bit of weight and my dad jokingly pointed it out.
I later walked in on my sister crying about it in the kitchen as she poured herself a drink. I remember thinking, "You finally know how it feels."
I still feel bad for thinking that.
I was in sixth grade, and very chubby for my age.
We were lining up to go somewhere, and a girl behind me said, "God, you're shaking the ground!"
Now whenever I walk, I always fear that I'm actually shaking the ground.
When I was 11 and my sister was 15, my sister and I were having yet another argument with our mom about us being so overweight.
According to my mom, we, "Would never find love," and, "How could anyone love us when we are just a couple of fat asses?" The usual arguments.
(Note: I was only about 40 pounds overweight, my sister about 75. We weren't gigantic, but overweight.)
I was crying of course, so my sister spoke up mid-argument and said, "This is why so many kids our age are killing themselves!"
I'll forever remember the tone in my mom's voice and the look in her eyes when she looked at us and said, "I'll give you the f*cking gun."
I still think about it every single day.
Growing up, I was always a little on the curvy side. I developed very early, and by age 8, wearing a bra was not even a question.
One day while walking to the local park with my neighbor and her granddaughter, the granddaughter turned to me and said, "I don't know how you're going to play at the park. You're probably going to break the slide going down, because you're too fat."
I felt the tears begin to swell up in my eyes. I turned to go home, but I was too far to walk on my own. My neighbor saw me begin to tear up, and all she said in response was, "Well, are we going to cry or walk to the park?"
Even as a child, I knew that the way they were treating me was wrong. I trudged on to the park, but didn't get on any of the equipment.
Ever since this experience, I always feel like everything I sit on is going to either break, crack, or fall apart.
Freshman year of college, my extended family came over to our house for the Passover Seder. I had definitely gained the Freshman 15, but I didn't really feel bad about it or give it much thought.
I was standing and talking to my younger cousin, who is rail thin. My great aunt came over to us, tried to pinch my cousin's stomach but couldn't, then turned to me and said, "Oh, sweetie, doesn't your cousin look great? You should try to look more like her."
I immediately excused myself to go into another room, and completely broke down and cried. My cousin, who is one of my best friends to this day, came in to find me. She told me how awful that experience had been, and assured me that our aunt was insane.
I still think about that moment often. At every family gathering I become extremely self-conscious, just waiting for the criticism to come.
In 7th grade, my best friend and I both made it into the final round of a school wide-spelling bee. We were the only two people left standing, which was a pretty big thing. We were the best spellers in the whole school!
The winner would advance onto a regional tournament among the winners from a lot of different schools.
I ended up winning the bee, and my best friend cried because she lost. She was so devastated that she had to go home.
She never congratulated me or told me good job.
Now we're juniors in high school, and I can honestly say this story is a perfect example of our relationship and how it still functions today.
One day in 8th grade, while waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was talking to my ex boyfriend and his group of friends. My ex and I had just broken up, but we were still on good terms.
While we were all talking, my ex's brother interrupted us and said, "You're so ugly. No one will ever want to date you, besides my brother."
I've always been bullied and called ugly, but it hurt even more coming from someone who actually knows who I am.
I'm still not over the insecurities that came from middle and high school bullying. And I'm starting to think I never will be.
"You look so thin, you could be a holocaust survivor!"
Said to me by an acquaintance, thinking I would find it funny. I didn't.
My sister is a bikini model and our parents always compare us. I've always struggled with my weight and recently started working out more on my own.
One day, after I had eaten three Oreos, my dad said to me, "That's gonna add time to your workout!"
He then took the package away.
I haven't had an Oreo since.
A few years ago I read something about truthfulness, and that when a person is angry, that is when the truth comes out. And I felt it made a lot of sense, so I always remembered that.
One day, my mother asked me to do the laundry, so I went to go get my clothes and I put them in the washer and she cleaned them. But after they were done and I had put them away, she asked me if I put the laundry from behind her door (we don't have a hamper) in the washer too. And I didn't, because she didn't tell me to, so I figured it was already in the washer.
She got really, really mad at me, and she told me she hated me.
I went to bed early that night and cried until I fell asleep, thinking about how when people are mad they tell the truth.
My mother has told me she hated me on 5 different occasions since then, and during all of those times, she was very mad.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
