"We can't sit next to her. She might be a Muslim."

I always thought that a campus library was a place people go to study quietly. That's exactly what I was doing. I was sitting at a four person table with my math textbook and notebook in front of me, quickly and accurately working out and solving math equations. Three seats were unoccupied.

You saw me and said, "We can't sit next to her. She might be a Muslim."

I don't wear a hijab, but that doesn't make me any less Muslim than a woman who does. And, to clarify, I am actually half Muslim and half Hindu.

Regardless of those facts, so what if I'm Muslim?
Does my brown skin offend you?
Do my tattoos and long dark brown hair suggest something?
Why does me being a Muslim deter you from sharing a public space with me?
Why does me being Muslim bother you?
Does my lack of a hijab make you think that I am some radical form of Muslim?

I just wish to understand why my religion is an issue to you. I guess it just does not make any sense...especially because you never once said a word to me in your life, and because well...this is a library.

I'm doing math homework.
You probably want to do homework as well.
The table is not going to hurt you.
Neither will I, nor will my religion.

"I don't love you enough."

I've always loved my boyfriend more than he's loved me. 

Last April, I asked if he ever wanted to marry me. We got in a big fight. He said "I don't love you enough" and "It'll only end in divorce." 

I think about it every day. Every. Single. Day. It's like a little asterisk every time he says I love you.

I love you*

*but not enough.

I cry almost every night, thinking about how long I have.

"You should be over it by now"

I was raped last year by someone I trusted with my life.

After almost a year, we spoke again and decided to be on semi-decent terms since we had to see each other at college. 

He expected us to go back to being close and talking and hanging out all the time. That wasn't happening. 

We had a phone conversation once where I told him I had no trust regarding him. He got upset and said that I was wrong for not trusting him. 

After arguing for a long time, he told me that since it has almost been over a year, "You should be over it by now." 

That I should be over the fact that he raped me.

I will never be over my rape. It will always affect me. How dare he say that.

"You're never going to find someone better than me."

A few years ago I was in a very abusive relationship, both mentally and physically.

Looking back on it now, I had a lot going for myself. I was smart and driven and kind, but I was so insecure, and he saw that so he used it against me.

He would always tell me, "You're never going to find someone better than me."

He said it so many times I believed it to be true. Like, yeah I could move on. I could start over. But why? What for? What if the new guy is just as bad but if not worse? It's not like anyone better would want me anyways, right?

I held onto his words for years.

But now it's four years later, and I found someone better. And I'm happy.

Fan Mail

What you're doing with this organization is worth more than any dollar amount or recognition. The simple fact that this exists restores my faith in humanity, because humans created this group. Humans recognizing that not everyone sees the potential and goodness in others. There are no words for how amazing this is. Don't ever stop. :) 

"She may be two years older, but she's not two years better."

I have a brother who is two years younger than I am. One night after I was supposed to be asleep, I heard my dad and brother talking downstairs. I opened my door so I could hear. 

They were talking about academics and our respective intelligence. 

I heard my dad say, "She may be two years older, but she's not two years better," and then he and my brother kind of chuckled. 

This really hurt because my dad and I are really close and I try so hard to impress him and to make him proud. 

It just made me feel like no matter what I do, it will never be more impressive than what my brother does.

"You're really pretty."

I used to always think the worst of myself. Putting myself down was part of my daily routine.

One day I was with a boyfriend at one of his family reunions. I thought my hair looked awful and my shirt look a little too worn.

Then a little girl came up to me. She looked me straight in the eye with the cutest face and said, "You're really pretty."

Before I could even respond she ran away with the biggest smile on her face.

That still puts a smile on my face still to this day. I'll never forget it.

"You should never wear sweatpants. Like, ever."

One summer in my early teens, I attended a co-ed sleep-away camp for the first time. I didn't have a ton of friends at home, so I was thrilled when the coolest kids at camp somehow deemed me worthy enough to be in their elite inner circle. 

It was the early 2000s, and midriff-bearing tops with Juicy Couture sweatpants were super popular. Protected by a cluster of popular friends, I strutted around camp like I owned the place, shrouding my long, gangly legs in sweatpants and mini tank tops. I felt free and beautiful and cool. 

There was one guy at camp who I had a crush on, but I was too shy to do anything. At that point, I had never had a boyfriend or kissed anyone. I got his AIM screen name, and once camp was over I started talking to him online. Maybe it was my newfound confidence that came with my brief stint as a popular girl, or maybe it was the safety of my computer screen, but I got up the courage to ask him what he thought about me. 

It took him a while to get it out, but eventually he told me, "You should never wear sweatpants. Like, ever." 

Apparently he and the rest of the guys all decided that I should not be allowed to wear sweatpants because they looked wrong on me with my long legs. 

I wish I could say that after that moment, I realized what a loser this guy was, and how dare he have the audacity to think he had the authority to tell me what I could and couldn't wear. 

But as a shy kid who just wanted to fit in, I felt like I had done something wrong, like I had failed. I felt ashamed. I stopped wearing sweatpants.

"The ugliest face I've ever seen."

I'm sitting in history and these two guys who I consider my friends sit behind me.

While we're all doing our classwork, the two guys start talking, and eventually I start listening. Then they start talking about me. One of them says, "You know, she has an okay body, but the ugliest face I've seen. " His friend agrees, and the bell rings for lunch.

I slowly pack my things up and go to the bathroom for lunch and just sit in a stall because I can't face anyone.

This happened in 7th grade. I'm now a senior in college, and I will never forget this day.

"You sound like a dying cat."

In fifth grade, I started taking choir class. On the first day, our teacher taught us how to sing high notes. I was really excited to be learning this, because I loved singing and had never taken formal lessons, and my singing voice was naturally lower and I always wanted to learn how to sing higher. 

After a few weeks of choir, I was so excited to share my improving singing skills with my friends. During one of our regular 5th grade academic classes, I gathered a bunch of friends in the back of the classroom at our cubbies to show them what I had learned in choir. 

All of a sudden, our teacher yelled to the back of the classroom in an irritated tone, "Whoever is making that horrible noise, please stop! You sound like a dying cat!"

It was clear from her tone that she thought that whoever was making the noise was doing it to be annoying and irritating.

I stopped taking choir after 5th grade, and have never taken the signing lessons that I had always wanted.

Writing this now is actually really helpful for me. Now after all these years, I might actually pursue singing lessons.