In second grade, there was one kid who always picked on me. He called me lots of names and said lots of mean things to me all year, but the one thing that stuck with me the most was when he said, "Let's play connect the dots, and you're it!"
Kids can be so cruel. I couldn't help that I had freckles!
I'm 31 years old now, and I love all of me. I try not to let anyone's opinion bother me, but I still remember the way that kid made me feel all those years ago.
One day I was at my boyfriend's house watching TV with his family. I glanced over at him and saw that he said, "No," to his uncle. I asked what his uncle had asked him, and my boyfriend responded, "Nothing, babe."
I persisted, and eventually he told me.
"He asked if you were pregnant."
I felt my heart drop.
I got up and walked out of the room and cried.
I lost 25 pounds within the next month. I worked out twice a day and hardly ate.
My boyfriend is very supportive and always has been. He's never made me feel fat or ugly, but whenever I look in the mirror or eat, I hear those words over and over in my head.
An ex once told me, "How you spend your New Year's Eve is how you'll spend the rest of the year."
We had a terrible New Year's Eve, and a terrible relationship.
Fast forward six years.
Last night was amazing.
Happy New Year!
I have always loved performing, so I was thrilled when I was cast in a leading role in my high school's musical as a sophomore.
After an awesome opening night, a boy who had graduated the year before (and who had been the lead in previous musicals) approached me backstage.
He said, "I was so impressed with your performance! I'm awarding you the Sophomore Star!"
He said that it was a secret, word-of-mouth honor given by the musical theater alumni to the underclassmen they knew would go on to do great things. He had received the award as a sophomore, and so it was his prerogative to pass it on when and to whom he saw fit.
I think even at the time I knew that he was making this up, but I didn't care. It was so kind of him to find such a special way to make me feel important.
Even now, as an adult, when I am nervous before a presentation at work, I remind myself that I am the Sophomore Star, and that I will do great things.
For years, since I was a kid, I was ridiculed. Having been overweight and friendless for a long time, I was always the girl in the corner. The girl that never participated in group activities, the girl that never left her house, or always chose to stay in the classroom rather than going out to the playground.
When I was diagnosed with anxiety, nothing changed. Except that a few people started to know who I was because of sudden panic attacks I would get in class.
My parents were always gone, and they didn't even have a clue as to what was happening. And when they found out, they didn't care. They blamed me and told me to get over it, saying, "Life only gets worse."
The years passed and I began to grow close to one boy. Let's call him T. He made me feel in a way happy. The relationship was completely platonic. I started to get terrified that he would grow tired and leave me when I was finally feeling happy. So I began pushing him away. We stopped talking.
I currently attend a university, one I intentionally picked to get away from familiar faces. Except, there was one familiar face. And I didn't mind so much that it was T.
The first semester of college is always the difficult one, some people told me. They weren't wrong. But T made it manageable. One night, when I was alone in my dorm, I borrowed my roommate's scale, fearing I had gained the "Freshman 15." I was right.
I broke my full length mirror. I cried. I bled. I had an anxiety attack and I trashed all of my food that was in the fridge.
Someone knocked on the door, and I gathered myself the best I could and quietly announced that I was studying. When I heard a familiar voice say, "Are you decent for me to enter?" I wanted to scream. I was lying on the ground, a hot mess, and didn't want to see anyone.
I replied, "Yeah, but–." I forgot that my door was unlocked, and he stepped inside.
He sat down and held me. He told me something nobody has ever said before.
"Life is not an easy journey, and it sure as hell is not meant to be beautiful all the time. But you are f*cking amazing and strong, because I know you're going to stand up, take a shower and tomorrow you're gonna walk outside and smile at everyone. Damn, you're amazing."
I started crying, of course, because what he said was more than truth. It was my life for years. Something nobody ever noticed, but I screamed for someone to see.
Growing up with four siblings was hard enough without throwing a drug addicted father into the mix. I always took the blame for my brothers and sisters, so that they wouldn't get hit.
As a result, my dad would say things to me like, "You're not good enough," "You're stupid," and "You'll end up barefoot and pregnant in a trailer park."
I am now 27 years old and have four beautiful girls. I wouldn't change how I grew up because it made me who I am today.
But you better believe I won't allow anyone to treat me that way, ever again.
As a kid, I was always social and funny. I loved life, and I loved laughing about inside jokes with my friends.
One day in 7th grade, my two best friends sat me down to stage an intervention.
One of them said, "We've been discussing this, and we need to confront you."
I had no idea what was going on.
The other friend said, "You always bring up inside jokes from like, weeks ago. And they're old. You can't do that."
I was shocked and hurt. But I didn't feel like my friends were being ridiculous for banning me from bringing up funny stories from weeks ago. I was twelve and impressionable. So I believed that my tendency to laugh about "old" jokes was "wrong."
I became very conscious and careful about the expiration dates of my jokes.
Even now as an adult, when I hear people reminisce about stories and experience from weeks, months, even years ago, I think to myself, "Wait, I thought that that wasn't allowed."
Being a size 6, I've never thought I was fat, I just knew I wasn't a size 00, which was fine with me.
But my ex loved to say things like, "How can you still be hungry?" or, "Do you really need to eat that?" or, "Eat up fatty." I had always laughed it off and convinced myself he was joking.
It wasn't until one night that it really got to me. We were eating out and he refused to let me order dessert. He looked at me and said, "You need to stop with the food. If you keep it up, no one is ever going to want you. I don't date fat girls."
Looking back on it, I'm not sure why I stayed with someone so critical and hateful. Maybe it was the feeling that I needed to be accepted by him to validate my worth.
It wasn't until months later, after I had worked out and starved myself to exhaustion that I realized he was fighting a battle with himself all along, and that there was never anything wrong with me.
Years later, I'm now with a man who tells me every day how beautiful "every inch of me" is. He's convinced I've never had enough to eat, and he always, always says yes when I want to order dessert.
I've always loved to sing. Music has always been my greatest passion. It all started when I was 4, singing in pageants and at family get-togethers.
So naturally when I got to high school, I joined the chorus. I was so excited to learn and to have a whole period dedicated to music! I worked so hard and listened to everything my teacher said. I looked up to her.
Then one day we were singing a piece that included a solo. I practiced my audition for weeks, and when the day came I stood up in front of the whole class and sang my heart out. I was so proud when I was I done, and I thought I had done so well.
Then my teacher looked at me and said, "Well that was...powerful." in a judgmental tone that sounded like, "Well you should be embarrassed."
After that I never tried for a solo again.
Looking back, I see now that as much as looked up to that teacher, she wasn't a very nice person. She played favorites and gave her favorite students all the solos and extra attention.
I still practice at home, and my dream will always be to sing professionally, but I can't sing in front of anyone anymore. Even my husband, who is so supportive. And my daughter, who has the same passion for music that I had. I get told all the time that I have a beautiful voice and that I should be famous and I always smile politely and take the compliment.
But in the back of my mind I will never feel good enough to do anything with my talents because of what one person, who was supposed to be a mentor to me, said.
When I was in middle school, a group of boys used to come by my locker and call me Thunder Thighs. This gave me such a complex that I started dieting so hard, and I eventually began to starve myself.
My parents were so busy that they didn't even notice, until one day a neighbor said to them, "She sure looks good now that she's lost all that weight!"
My stepmom actually looked at me and said, "Oh, I never noticed till now."
I realize now that my extreme weight loss was a call for help. But no one asked me why or how I had lost so much weight. They all just thought I looked good.
Now, many years later later, I'm Facebook friends with one of the guys who used to make fun of me. I wonder if he remembers what he used to call me. I've never brought it up to him.
I found out recently that he has cancer, and I do feel bad for him. But his words still haunt me.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
