"Wow. You're PRETTY."

I have only ever seriously dated one guy, and he has only ever dated me, so I was the first girl he ever brought home.

The first Thanksgiving I spent with his family was about 5 months after we started dating, and it was the first time I was going to meet his extended family. I was fairly nervous, and spent two hours on my hair and make-up. I wore a dress that I had bought three years earlier, but had never worn because I was too self-conscious.

We walked into the kitchen where his aunt was in full whirlwind mode cooking the turkey. My boyfriend got her attention, and she turned around to shake my hand and stopped dead in her tracks to say, "Wow. You're PRETTY."

She said it like it was the biggest surprise of her life. 

Honestly, in the moment, it made me feel amazing. But after reflecting on it, I have never liked her because of that. She didn't think my boyfriend was good enough to have a pretty girlfriend. What the hell does she know.

"Bigger, larger, hairier and uncut."

One day in middle school, I was talking to a goofy guy I kind of liked and another guy who was always sort of mean to everyone. When class was over I said, "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow." My crush replied, "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," and then stage whispered to the other guy, "...undressed."

I assume he was trying to be flirty and cute, but before I could really react to his comment, his friend scanned my body from head to toe with his eyes, scoffed, and said, "Yeah. Bigger, larger, hairier and uncut." (A timely reference to the South Park Movie.)

Now, I DO admit that the joke was solid, but those words basically fueled a life-long insecurity when it comes to men finding me attractive. 

I am 30 years old, and getting married in April. Those were the first words that came into my head when I tried on my wedding dress.
 

Nurse.

After I lost my virginity, I contracted my first UTI. I had no idea what was wrong. Being raised Christian, I was convinced God was punishing me for having premarital sex.

I went to my mother in the middle of the night on my hands and knees, crying in pain and fear.

She forced me to pray while reading the Bible and asking God for forgiveness for two hours, while I was still in pain, before taking me to the hospital. 

My mother is a nurse.

"Why can't you be more like her?"

Growing up with a twin sister, I struggled with my identity. My sister was everything I was not, and no matter how hard I tried, I could never measure up to her. 

People constantly compared the two of us. She was always known as the "better" twin. I can recall multiple conversations where my mother would ask me, "Why can't you be more like her?" She would explain to me why others liked my sister more than they liked me, and that if i just tried to be more like her, they would like me too. 

One day I was sitting around a table with my sister and some friends at a church event. Our leader asked us a question, "Who do you think is the best person in here?"

Everyone voted, and my sister won. I went home and cried for hours. Why couldn't I be good enough? Why did everyone see me as less than her? 

That day I decided it was pointless to keep trying, and that I would simply never be good enough. I felt so alone living in her shadow, just hoping one day that I could shine. 

To this day, I still get asked the question "Why can't you be more like her?" 

Comparison is a terrible thing, and that is something I will always have to live with.
 

"Stupid b*tch."

I was riding my bike in the street, and I came to a crosswalk. I waited for the "Walk" signal, and crossed. As I was crossing, a massive truck started turning into the crosswalk at full speed. I tried to simultaneously stop my bike and yell to the driver to stop. The truck was so huge and he didn't see me, and I was very close to being hit. Thankfully at the very last second, the truck driver saw me and slammed the brakes.

I was shaken up and terrified. The driver waved at me in apology.

Then all of a sudden, a random guy walking on the street muttered loudly under his breath, "Stupid b*tch." 

I was shocked. I asked if he was talking to me.

He kept his head down as he passed me, saying, "Stupid f*cking b*tch."

Apparently I am a woman who voluntarily chose to almost get hit by a truck, just for fun. What a b*tchy thing for me to do. 

"You finally know how it feels."

I'm the youngest of five kids, and by far the heaviest. I've always been the fat kid. And my older sister always made fun of me for it.

A few years ago during Christmas when I was 17, my sister had put on a bit of weight and my dad jokingly pointed it out. 

I later walked in on my sister crying about it in the kitchen as she poured herself a drink. I remember thinking, "You finally know how it feels."

I still feel bad for thinking that.

"You're shaking the ground!"

I was in sixth grade, and very chubby for my age. 

We were lining up to go somewhere, and a girl behind me said, "God, you're shaking the ground!" 

Now whenever I walk, I always fear that I'm actually shaking the ground.

"I'll give you the f*cking gun."

When I was 11 and my sister was 15, my sister and I were having yet another argument with our mom about us being so overweight. 

According to my mom, we, "Would never find love," and, "How could anyone love us when we are just a couple of fat asses?" The usual arguments. 

(Note: I was only about 40 pounds overweight, my sister about 75. We weren't gigantic, but overweight.)

I was crying of course, so my sister spoke up mid-argument and said, "This is why so many kids our age are killing themselves!" 

I'll forever remember the tone in my mom's voice and the look in her eyes when she looked at us and said, "I'll give you the f*cking gun." 

I still think about it every single day.

"Too fat for the slide."

Growing up, I was always a little on the curvy side. I developed very early, and by age 8, wearing a bra was not even a question. 

One day while walking to the local park with my neighbor and her granddaughter, the granddaughter turned to me and said, "I don't know how you're going to play at the park. You're probably going to break the slide going down, because you're too fat." 

I felt the tears begin to swell up in my eyes. I turned to go home, but I was too far to walk on my own. My neighbor saw me begin to tear up, and all she said in response was, "Well, are we going to cry or walk to the park?" 

Even as a child, I knew that the way they were treating me was wrong. I trudged on to the park, but didn't get on any of the equipment. 

Ever since this experience, I always feel like everything I sit on is going to either break, crack, or fall apart.

"You should try to look more like her."

Freshman year of college, my extended family came over to our house for the Passover Seder. I had definitely gained the Freshman 15, but I didn't really feel bad about it or give it much thought. 

I was standing and talking to my younger cousin, who is rail thin. My great aunt came over to us, tried to pinch my cousin's stomach but couldn't, then turned to me and said, "Oh, sweetie, doesn't your cousin look great? You should try to look more like her."

I immediately excused myself to go into another room, and completely broke down and cried. My cousin, who is one of my best friends to this day, came in to find me. She told me how awful that experience had been, and assured me that our aunt was insane. 

I still think about that moment often. At every family gathering I become extremely self-conscious, just waiting for the criticism to come.