Spelling Bee Silence

In 7th grade, my best friend and I both made it into the final round of a school wide-spelling bee. We were the only two people left standing, which was a pretty big thing. We were the best spellers in the whole school! 

The winner would advance onto a regional tournament among the winners from a lot of different schools. 

I ended up winning the bee, and my best friend cried because she lost. She was so devastated that she had to go home. 

She never congratulated me or told me good job. 

Now we're juniors in high school, and I can honestly say this story is a perfect example of our relationship and how it still functions today.

"No one will ever want to date you."

One day in 8th grade, while waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was talking to my ex boyfriend and his group of friends. My ex and I had just broken up, but we were still on good terms. 

While we were all talking, my ex's brother interrupted us and said, "You're so ugly. No one will ever want to date you, besides my brother." 

I've always been bullied and called ugly, but it hurt even more coming from someone who actually knows who I am. 

I'm still not over the insecurities that came from middle and high school bullying. And I'm starting to think I never will be.

Holocaust Girl

"You look so thin, you could be a holocaust survivor!" 

Said to me by an acquaintance, thinking I would find it funny. I didn't. 

"That's gonna add time to your workout!"

My sister is a bikini model and our parents always compare us. I've always struggled with my weight and recently started working out more on my own. 

One day, after I had eaten three Oreos, my dad said to me, "That's gonna add time to your workout!"

He then took the package away.

I haven't had an Oreo since.
 

"I hate you."

A few years ago I read something about truthfulness, and that when a person is angry, that is when the truth comes out. And I felt it made a lot of sense, so I always remembered that. 

One day, my mother asked me to do the laundry, so I went to go get my clothes and I put them in the washer and she cleaned them. But after they were done and I had put them away, she asked me if I put the laundry from behind her door (we don't have a hamper) in the washer too. And I didn't, because she didn't tell me to, so I figured it was already in the washer. 

She got really, really mad at me, and she told me she hated me. 

I went to bed early that night and cried until I fell asleep, thinking about how when people are mad they tell the truth. 

My mother has told me she hated me on 5 different occasions since then, and during all of those times, she was very mad.

"Whale of a woman in the humongous dress."

I've always had self image issues, but now I am married to a wonderful man who loves every inch of me exactly how it is. I've always worn jeans and big t-shirts and sweatshirts to cover up my imperfections, and also to just feel comfortable.

My husband recently very gently suggested that because I'm getting older and working, that maybe I should start dressing more professionally and wearing dresses. 

So I took him shopping with me. We had a great time, which I had never experienced while clothes shopping previously. When I tried on a dress, his jaw hit the floor. He absolutely loved it! He raved about how beautiful I was. I felt on top of the world. So much so I wanted to show myself off.

So that night, we got all dressed up and went out on the town. As we sat down to eat, I felt like everyone was staring at me. I was so uncomfortable. I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, and a wave of insecurity swept over me. I went into the stall and tried to breath through the urge to cry. 

Then three very beautiful, stuck up women walked into the bathroom. Naturally, I made no noise waiting for them to leave. 

They began talking about an "ugly whale of a woman in the humongous dress." 

"The guy is so cute," one of them said. "Why the f*** is he with her?" 

The others agreed and giggled. By the time they left, I was a balling mess. I left the bathroom then the restaurant with no explanation to my husband. 

Sometime later I told him about what happened. Of course he was as supportive as he could be. But I never wore that dress or any other since then. 

I have slowly worked on my self image and it has improved (most days anyway). I've started to dress more professionally, but for some reason I just can't bring myself over that last hill of actually wearing a dress again, although I've purchased many. Maybe some day I will get over those mean girl comments. 

But I still teach my children, and all who will listen, to be accepting of all people no matter what.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Throughout my entire elementary/middle/high school experience, I was bullied. If it wasn't my weight, it was my scars; if it wasn't those, it was something I said. The way I walked. Anything.

In grades 6 & 7, there was a specific group of kids that bullied me, and they had a ringleader. He was always the worst - he tried to start real, physical fights with my boyfriend at the time - and I was pretty tired of it, so I reported him.

Of course it only got worse. But the weird thing - the odd, wonderful thing - was that, a year after these incidents, he apologized. He sent me a message asking my forgiveness for all the things he'd said to me. 

And then, years later, in our junior year of high school, he really floored me: I was tired one day, and I decided to lie on the floor during lunch. He and his friends (the same group that had bullied me for so long) were standing across the hallway, talking amongst themselves. I was lying on the floor, my eyes closed, wondering if skipping class was worth my parents' anger, when someone touched my arm.

I looked up, and there he was. The kid who'd spent a good portion of our middle school years making my life miserable.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asked. He looked sincere. His friend, another big bully, stood behind him, nodding. "Yeah, you okay?" He added.

It's stuck with me ever since, that a kid who was so awful to me and so many others could have such a huge change of heart.

"If you only lost weight..."

"You have a beautiful face! If you only lost weight, you would be just a pretty as your sister!"

 - My dad
 

"Oh well."

My therapist was driving me home after a group session, and there was something I still wanted to get off my chest.

We went to the park and I tried to tell her what I was feeling. It was something I felt for a long time and I never knew how to say it, so I just let it out.
I told her, "Sometimes I just feel stupid, like everything that's easy for everyone else is hard for me. It's like I don't understand the simplest of things and like I'll never catch up with everyone. I want to be smart."

She just looked at me and said, "Oh well."

I told her to take me home. I quit therapy shortly after.
 

"It shouldn't be you."

On my wedding day I was getting myself and my soon to be stepdaughter ready. My mother stopped on her way to the venue to check in on how I was doing. 

She fixed my dress, looked me square in the eye and said, "It shouldn't be you today. It should be your sister."

Six years later, I still can't forgive her.