My boyfriend of almost five years wanted to go to a friend's house, where a ton of girls would be. I asked to go with him.
He said, "No one will have fun if you're there."
It still stings thinking about it.
I found out later that he was cheating with one of the girls. No wonder no one would have had fun.
I survived a brief but horrifying relationship. What stuck with me was not the physical abuse, but these words, "You are not as good as you think you are."
Ten years later, I'm still battling those words in my head every day. Previously, I was an invincible Marine and elite rugby player. Now, daily, I struggle with my own self worth.
I was once riding in the car with my dad, and we were talking. Nothing in depth or serious. I don't even remember what he said that caused him to apologize (I wish I could).
But he said to me, "I'm sorry, its just I guess sometimes I still think of you as my son."
I started to wonder how long he's seen me like that. If he has ever treated me a certain way because he'd seen me as a boy.
I wonder if anything in my life might have been different if he had seen me as me.
One day during my senior year of high school, I woke up late for school and came in with no eye makeup on. A girl who sat in front of me in class said, "You're not wearing any makeup?" I said no, and she replied, "But you're still pretty."
She said it with such disbelief and question in her voice, like she couldn't understand why I wasn't ugly.
It made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable. Seven years later it still comes to my mind.
All my life, I never bothered dating. I knew my place as the guy's best friend. I was never the prettiest or the smartest, but I knew how to make people laugh.
I've known my husband since the 7th grade. We were best friends. Even then, I was head over heels for him, but never breathed a word.
When we finally did start seeing each other seven years later, I poured my heart out to him. I'd never dated, never been kissed, came with a ton of emotional baggage. I asked him why. Why bother? Why not go find someone else?
"You're worth it."
The first time in my life I had ever heard those three words, and it took me a very long time to believe it.
Eight years and two kids later, now I know for sure, we are worth it.
I moved to Orange County in middle school and quickly learned how vapid and cruel wealthy, attractive teenagers can be.
I had never thought of myself as ugly until then.
On most days a group of boys would walk home behind me and shout hurtful things, my personal favorite being that I had traded tits for zits.
Fifteen years later, body dysmorphia accompanied by eating disorders, and countless hours staring at my face in the mirror wondering if I really am hideous, and their words still echo in my head.
When I was in college, my roommate (who I secretly adored and idolized) caught me on my way to work one morning. I had just put on my make-up , which at the time was a grueling one hour ordeal of primping and preening.
He said to me, "I don't understand how you can wake up looking so ugly and leave looking so beautiful."
These words still itch under my skin and burn into my heart.
It's been 12 years.
When I moved back home, I worked at a restaurant with this guy whom I had previously known and always thought was really handsome. I was excited to be working with him and getting to know him. I couldn't wait to go to work and see him and spend time with him every day .
I'm pretty sure it was obvious how much I liked him, because one night he brought me home and we got together. At first I was hesitant because I was afraid of getting hurt, but I liked him so much, and he was really nice to me, so I took a chance.
We saw each other for about a month, until he got promoted. It was shortly after Christmas, and I remember getting him a present and everything. I couldn't wait to give it to him.
I walked out onto the porch and overheard him saying, "She gives a really good blow job, but I would never date her because her family is crazy and she's not attractive enough for me."
I walked away.
We never saw each other outside of work again.
When I was 9, I would hang out with this girl all the time. We were the same age and our moms were the same age, so we would all hang out and go to barbecues and stuff.
I remember one day going over to their house and overhearing my friend's mother talking about a really important necklace of hers that had gone missing. She described it in detail.
When I went to use the bathroom, I remember picking up some stuffed animal, and I saw that her necklace was right under it! I was so proud to have found it, and I knew she was going to be so happy that I found it for her.
When I excitedly told her that I found it in the bathroom, she looked at me and said, "I know you stole this."
I remember trying to say, "No I actually found it... " and she just interrupted and said, "No you definitely stole this. You look like the type to steal."
I was just so upset. I thought she was going to be happy with me.
And for some reason, 14 years later I still think about that day.
When I was 15, a guy told me I had big arms.
I'm now 22 and still won't wear tank tops or anything with very short sleeves.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
