"That's a perfectly acceptable thing for her to say"

/

My group of middle school girlfriends consisted of five of us total. The other four would often pair up against me in subtle but intentional ways, like ordering two Caesar salads at Cheesecake Factory for each pair to split while laughing at the fact that I was left out.

One day the five of us were hanging out with my longtime childhood friend who went to a different school, and we were all joking about how we wanted to violate all of the school rules on the last day of middle school, because there would be no consequences.

One of them joked that she'd wear a spaghetti strap tank top with her bra straps showing. Another said that she'd wear a miniskirt. I chimed in and said that I would wear like three hats.

There was an awkward silence and they all stared at me.

One of them said, "Ummm....ok..."

My childhood friend immediately reacted to this. "Whoa, why are you acting like that to her? Hats are also not allowed in school. That's a perfectly acceptable thing for her to say."

My friends didn't know how to react. They had never encountered someone standing up for me, since I had never done it myself.

It took this simple declaration from my old friend to really put into perspective how unfairly my middle school friends treated me for no reason.

Once we got to high school, we all parted ways.

"It's the end."

/

My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer on Father's Day 2014.

Before and still shortly after her diagnosis, I didn't know how cancer worked. I wasn't sure what the stages mean't, I only knew that stage 4 mean't the cancer was really bad.

The months after her diagnosis my family heard, "I'm sorry" and "I've been praying for you" and the like.

My mom was only given 6-9 months to live, but my mom and the rest of my family had faith that she wouldn't "give up that easy." We were very positive after getting the diagnosis and everyone knew that.

But one day, out of the blue, about three months after the diagnosis, I was at work and a woman that I was actually pretty close to outside of work said, "You understand stage 4 means your mom's dead, like it's the end."

I remember those words so vividly. Even a year and a half later, they still bring tears to my eyes.

However, my mother is still fighting her fight and has been surprising her doctors on a regular basis. So no, her diagnosis wasn't the end.

"People are so mean to her, it's like not even funny"

/

One day in middle school, I was at my friend's house while she was chatting on AOL with this really popular girl. The popular girl asked what my friend was up to, and my friend said, jokingly, that she was hanging out with me, which is such a drag. 

The popular girl replied, "Lol, people are so mean to her, it's like not even funny."

There was an awkward silence between my friend and me, and we told the girl that my friend was joking, and that I was actually sitting right there. The popular girl scrambled for something to say to recover herself, but it was too late.

Her words had already stuck with me.

The thing is, I didn't know that everyone was mean to me. I knew I wasn't popular, but I thought I was sort of off the radar at best. The idea that "everyone" was mean to me behind my back, and that this was common knowledge, really hit me hard. 

It's been 15 years, and this memory is still as vivid as ever.

"Learn how to deal with this"

/

I sent my husband an article about the eating disorder I currently struggle with, thinking he might find it insightful.

We were supposed to go to take my son to see a movie that day and I asked my husband if he was almost ready to go. 

He said he couldn't go anymore because he now had to read the article I sent him so he can "learn how to deal with this," while making a hand motion towards me.

"You smell musty"

/

My mom got heavily involved in drugs when I was growing up, and I often had to fend for myself.

When I was in 9th grade, she took off and left for 3 weeks while I was at school one day. I was home alone for that time. The power and my cell phone got shut off during that time. I didn't tell anyone, I just kept going to school. I thought I was doing okay on my own until one of my friends told me I smelled musty. I wore wet clothes to school because I couldn't dry them.

It was the first time that I realized that it was obvious I wasn't put together. The guidance counselor pulled me into the office and asked me where my parents were and why I was losing weight. I couldn't tell anyone that I ran out of food and my mom left me no money.

I am grown now with a family of my own, but I still think back to that day. I know my son will never have to endure those feelings, but I can't help but feel terrified that there's a chance.

"I really thought you'd be better."

/

I had dreamed of being a musician from the first time my fingers touched the keys of a piano at age 3.

My father bought me the ugliest piano at auction for $10. It was the one I chose.

My parents paid for piano lessons when they could, but my love for music really took flight once I'd reached middle school and could sign up for band class. I chose the alto saxophone with the intention of moving on to the baritone sax as soon as I could. I lived, breathed and loved that sax, carting it to and from school with me on the bus every single day. Once I was old enough to drive, it was my passenger every where I went.

When I turned 16 I started working full time, trying to help the family make ends meet. Even though I worked until 1am, mine was the first car in the parking lot at school every morning, waiting at the door to be let into the band room so that I could practice before school started.

Music didn't come easily to me. I had to work hard at every song, every note. I had an ear for it, but my sight reading was my weakness. I knew even then I was never meant to be a solo player, I was meant to be with a band, whether concert or jazz, carrying it along. I worked my 40 hours and when I could, paid for private lessons with a college graduate whose choice instrument was the bari sax. I chose a music school, knowing I'd have to audition. My two best friends and I drove the 5 hours and I seemed to hold my breath the entire way. 

The morning of my audition, I was the first person in the building practicing my piece, Prelude by Bach, a beautiful Cello solo that had been transcribed for the baritone sax. I waited for my audition, half an hour past my appointed time. The head of the woodwind section of the school greeted me while still chewing. His excuse was, "I was eating lunch."

He continued to eat through my whole audition, never saying a word. When it was over he looked me up and down, took a bite of an apple and told me, "I really thought you'd be better. Are you sure you want a career in music? "
I thanked him graciously, returned home to keep working at my job, and I never played again.

Yet my fingers remember the feel of they keys beneath them, and my heart has not quite forgotten how to soar with a crescendo. I have not forgotten how to dream.

Virgin Mary

/

I've been sensitive and insecure for as long as I can remember. But I didn't know how sensitive and insecure I was until someone pointed out a flaw I didn't know I had. 

I was what they would call a "church girl." I went to as many church functions as possible and I absolutely loved my church family. I also had one simple promise I made to myself that meant a lot to me. I was going to stay a virgin until the night of my wedding. 

I had no idea that over half of the world did not share the same thing with me. I thought it was so common to be a virgin.

Until one day it started to be something that was used as an insult against me. I got called things like "Virgin Mary," "prude," "chastity belt". 

Being a virgin was no longer something to be proud of. It was just another thing for me to hate about myself. 

"You could die for all I care"

/

It was my sophomore year in high school. I was a cheerleader, I had the best of friends in the world and my grades were awesome. What could possibly make this year anything less than awesome? How naive I was.

About halfway through the year, my best friend and I got into a huge fight. So bad that it made me contemplate suicide.

When someone tells you, "You could die for all I care," you start to think about things in a different light.

After our falling out, my life starting to change drastically. I started to see myself differently. I hated so many things about myself. I started to notice how big my nose was. How my bottom teeth are crooked. How my stomach isn't flat. How thin and brittle my hair was. I started to pick apart all these things that I hated about myself all of a sudden. All because someone who I thought loved me told me she wouldn't care if I was dead.

I am now 21. That girl and I are no longer friends. And I no longer let what people say about me get to me. Because I love myself and that's all that matters.