"It's winter!!!"

When I was in 7th grade, I bought a new white miniskirt and couldn't wait to wear it to school. It was the middle of February, but I knew that people still wore skirts in the winter, as long as they were wearing tights.

When I showed up to school, my then-best friend waited for me at the top of the stairs to judge my outfit, like she did every day. She took one look at my short skirt and shouted, "What's wrong with you?! It's winter!" Then everyone looked at me and pointed out how crazy I was for wearing a skirt in February. 

She made sure I didn't forget my foolish decision all day long. Every time we passed each other in the hall, she would scream, "It's WINTER!!!" to me. This drove me crazy, because even if my choice to wear a skirt in February wasn't the wisest decision on my part, there was nothing she could say to change the fact that I was already at school in this outfit. It's not like if she said it extra-convincingly, my skirt would magically transform itself into long-johns and jeans. I was stuck at school in this tiny skirt, and her constant vocal protest of my outfit made me feel naked and exposed and trapped. 

She was a very unsupportive friend in general, and I am happy to say that we are no longer friends.

"...for what?"

Day 2 of motherhood. More visitors come and go. More smiles, hugs and kisses. More well wishes, but still no father. I call, text and call again. Then finally, he answers. 

Me: "Hey." 
Him: "Sup." 
Me: "He's here!" 
Him: "Oh." 
Me: "Are you coming to visit? I'm only here until tomorrow morning."
Him: *silence* "Visit...for what?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Him: "Let me call you back." *click*

I can not articulate the hurt and devastation I felt pulling the phone away from my ear. What was suppose to be one of the most exhilarating experiences in my life (having a child) turned out to be the most devastating. 

To this day, I am afraid to have another child because of the two nights I spent alone in my hospital bed. The two nights I cried. The conversation that pierced the depths of my soul. I never again want to feel that pain.
 

"I've always loved you."

It was 2010. I moved to a new town and was starting my first year of high school. I saw this guy around school all the time. He was a year ahead of me. I wanted to get to know him but I was too shy. I was just the new girl. One day, he approached me, and from that one encounter, we soon became best friends. But for me, shortly after, I realized that I loved him.

I could never tell him, because I didn't want to ruin what we shared. Years went by, and I got into a relationship in late 2012. He had been dating a girl since the year before. Things were going well. We were such great friends. Yet, despite having a boyfriend and caring about him, I couldn't help but love my best friend still. I'd fantasize what it must be like to hold his hand with our fingers intertwined. Or what it would be like to gently plant a kiss on his lips. 

But it was only in my dreams.

A few more years went by. And we both got out of our toxic relationships. It was 2014. I had just graduated from high school. We were at my house one day in the summer, laughing and drinking Capri Sun, having the most hilarious conversation, when he suddenly fell silent and whispered to me "You know...I've always loved you." 

I was stunned. At first I thought I was dreaming. But when I whispered "what..?" He smiled and said it again. "I've always loved you."

It is now 2016, and we are happily with one another. And I couldn't ask for anything more than to be with my best friend. Always.

8th Grade Dance

When I was in junior high, I was overweight and spent most of the school dances alone, in the corner. 

The last dance of 8th grade, the school hired a DJ who would dedicate songs to couples, and they would go to the floor and slow dance together. Imagine my surprise when the DJ announced the next slow song dedicated to me, by one of the most popular boys in school! We danced together, and I felt so special. 

After the dance was over, I returned to my dark corner where I overheard the DJ talking about a group of pranksters who were dedicating slow songs to all the fat/ugly/unpopular girls, so the popular boys had to dance with them. 

I have never been so humiliated.

15 years latter I have thankfully left behind my ugly duckling phase. That particular popular boy is now bald and short. But still, I don't think my self-esteem will ever recover from such mortification.
 

Black and White

I had a huge crush on a guy in 8th grade, and was devastated when he started going out with this girl I hated. 

I came home crying about it, and my mom just said, "Did you really think he would have picked you over her?" 

She said this because he was white, I was black, and the other girl was white. It was like I never had a chance because of that.

To this day, I still have doubts about myself when I find a white guy attractive.
 

"It looks like you have a spray tan!"

The first time I ever wore makeup was when I used my mom's foundation in middle school.

When I walked into class, one of the other girls pointed at me and said, "It looks like you have a spray tan, but only on your face!"

Now I'm a cosmetologist.

"Only babies cry."

It all started when I was eight years old. My sister, who is four years older than me, and I had spent the evening arguing over some not so import things. Like most children, we had our sibling rivalries. But this particular argument set my father off, and when I bring the subject up to him now a days he doesn't even remember. But I do. Oh God, how I remember.

My father pulled my sister and me off each other and sent me to my room as punishment. I wasn't angry about his decision, but I was upset and crying.

My sister was definitely the golden child, while I was always the black sheep. Our rooms were next to one another, connected by our closets. After I was sent to my room, I could hear her on the phone with her friend through the thin walls of our connected closest. She was complaining about me, saying some really hurtful things. I vividly remembering sitting under all my hanging clothes, crying about all the horrible things my sister said about me. 

I guess I was really loud because only moments later my father burst into my room and threw open the closest door and began to scream a million things. But one thing he said sticks with me to this day.

"Don't fucking cry. Only babies cry."

This was the day that my now-eleven year journey with depression began. 

Be careful what you say to your children. You could be setting them up on a date with the monsters that live inside their head, waiting to be released from their jail.
 

Guardian

Four years ago, I was in a car accident. I went unconscious, and a stranger pulled me out of the car and set me on the curb.

For a split second, before becoming unconscious again, I awoke to hear him tell me, "You're safe." 

I will never forget that man.
 

"I should have pinched your nose..."

My parents were always physically and emotionally abusive. My father would hit me, and I always knew he didn't like me. My mother was more verbally abusive, but her words hurt me more than any kick, punch, or slap my father could have thrown at me. 

It was a normal school day in 7th grade. School had just let out, and like most school days, I stayed around school as late as I could, trying delay going home. I lost track of time and pushed it a little to far. As soon as I got home, the yelling and screaming from my mom started. 

Then she said to me, "I should have pinched your nose and covered your mouth when you were a baby!" 

Basically she said she regretted not suffocating me.

This has always stuck with me. 
 

"You have a great smile."

I work at a movie theater in my hometown. On a particularly hectic day in which I had already made many mistakes, I began to help an older gentleman. Although I was frustrated and preoccupied, I still tried to be friendly to him. 

After paying for his ticket he asked my name. I was afraid he had a complaint for a manager about me, but I gave it to him. Then he addressed me by my first name and said, "You have a great smile." 

I tried not to cry, it touched me so much. Now, whenever I smile, I think of that gentleman who made my crazy day so much better. Thank you.