When I was in middle school, my mom told me that I was "a fat girl" and that "fat girls don't have friends, and they certainly don't get boyfriends."
Small 12 year old me truly took her words to heart and developed a severe case of anorexia due to what she said. I'm now 23, and I have been battling the eating disorder ever since. I also have an intense fear of gaining weight and suffer from extreme depression if I do gain any weight.
I am very insecure about my art.
My mom has always encouraged me to do my best, and I know she would support me no matter what. My dad, on the other hand, is a "realist."
"Your art style is too anime."
"You have to draw more realistically."
"No one would want to buy something like that."
"You'll be a starving artist all your life."
I just want to be me. Why did you have to put me down?
One day I was complaining to my mother about something that my husband did or didn't do. My mother replied, "We should both be thankful for the husbands we have. At least they don't beat us."
In that moment I realized that that was my mother's goal for me. That I would find a man who wouldn't beat me. It didn't matter if he made me happy, if he helped provide a stable life for our family, or if he helped me grow as a person. All that mattered was that he didn't beat me.
I will never forget the day when I was told that little gem.
My mom was dating this guy a while back, and he brought us up north to meet his family. His dad was an awful person, to put it nicely.
As my brother and in were waiting in the car to leave, he came over to say goodbye. He stood at my window, looked inside at me, and yelled to my mom's boyfriend, "No wonder you have a flat tire, all the weight's on this side of the car!"
I was barely 13.
My mom always pointed out everything that was beautiful about all of my friends, but she always called me Olive Oyl because I was skinny and uncoordinated.
I so clearly remember the day that I started self-hating that it almost hurts to think about.
I had eaten a stupid chocolate bar that my mom had been saving to eat later. It wasn't the first time I'd done this. She walked in to the kitchen and yelled, "What the hell are you eating now?! You're always eating! You're too fat! You need to go on a diet!"
Now, two years later, I have depression and anxiety, although she (along with the rest of my family) has failed to realize it. Every time I look in a mirror, the only thing running through my head is that stupid comment made by my own mother.
Please think about what you say to your kids. They remember every word you say to them, even when you don't.
My mom told me recently: "Do me a favor, if you're going to kill yourself, do it where I won't find you."
My daughter was born premature. Extremely premature. She weighed 1lb, 3oz, and was not supposed to survive. On top of that, I almost didn't survive either. I was hospitalized for months, I had an emergency C section, and I faced losing my daughter every day after that for months until she was stable enough.
And I went through it all without a comforting hand beside me.
Throughout it all, I was being abused by my (now ex) husband.
One day, while waiting for our daughter to be released from surgery, I confronted him. Why was he so cruel to me? Why did I deserve the pain?
He looked me in the eyes and told me this one thing: "You're not the girl I fell in love with. You're not the same. You were so sweet and happy. And now you're bitter and hateful. The world darkened you, and you're not the same."
That was why I deserved his abuse, which was the very thing that made me bitter.
That was why I deserved being left alone to go through this ordeal, which was the very thing that darkened me.
It's been five years, and I now have depression and anxiety. I have a hard time with my relationships. I never know if I can trust the man I'm with, for numerous reasons.
I'm the girl who apologizes for existing.
He was right. I'm not the same.
My mother's ex-husband was an alcoholic. His drink of choice was Captain Morgan mixed with Mountain Dew. I would smell it on him when he came home, I would smell it on him when he screamed at me, and I would smell it on him when he beat me. He would tell me how fat and useless and stupid I was, and I could smell it on his breath.
To this day, I have trouble accepting compliments, and I can't stand the smell of Captain Morgan.
The only thing worse than people's disbelief that someone "like me" could get pregnant, is their reaction upon meeting my daughter.
"But... but she's beautiful!"
Yes. Yes she is.
Has anyone ever made a fleeting comment about you that immediately became tattooed onto the front of your brain for all of eternity, impacting your self-perception and self-worth? Whether it was an offhand comment made by someone you love and respect or a fleeting declaration by someone you barely know, we share the moments that stick.
