Spelling Bee Silence

In 7th grade, my best friend and I both made it into the final round of a school wide-spelling bee. We were the only two people left standing, which was a pretty big thing. We were the best spellers in the whole school! 

The winner would advance onto a regional tournament among the winners from a lot of different schools. 

I ended up winning the bee, and my best friend cried because she lost. She was so devastated that she had to go home. 

She never congratulated me or told me good job. 

Now we're juniors in high school, and I can honestly say this story is a perfect example of our relationship and how it still functions today.

"No one will ever want to date you."

One day in 8th grade, while waiting for my parents to pick me up, I was talking to my ex boyfriend and his group of friends. My ex and I had just broken up, but we were still on good terms. 

While we were all talking, my ex's brother interrupted us and said, "You're so ugly. No one will ever want to date you, besides my brother." 

I've always been bullied and called ugly, but it hurt even more coming from someone who actually knows who I am. 

I'm still not over the insecurities that came from middle and high school bullying. And I'm starting to think I never will be.

"Hey, are you alright?"

Throughout my entire elementary/middle/high school experience, I was bullied. If it wasn't my weight, it was my scars; if it wasn't those, it was something I said. The way I walked. Anything.

In grades 6 & 7, there was a specific group of kids that bullied me, and they had a ringleader. He was always the worst - he tried to start real, physical fights with my boyfriend at the time - and I was pretty tired of it, so I reported him.

Of course it only got worse. But the weird thing - the odd, wonderful thing - was that, a year after these incidents, he apologized. He sent me a message asking my forgiveness for all the things he'd said to me. 

And then, years later, in our junior year of high school, he really floored me: I was tired one day, and I decided to lie on the floor during lunch. He and his friends (the same group that had bullied me for so long) were standing across the hallway, talking amongst themselves. I was lying on the floor, my eyes closed, wondering if skipping class was worth my parents' anger, when someone touched my arm.

I looked up, and there he was. The kid who'd spent a good portion of our middle school years making my life miserable.

"Hey, are you alright?" He asked. He looked sincere. His friend, another big bully, stood behind him, nodding. "Yeah, you okay?" He added.

It's stuck with me ever since, that a kid who was so awful to me and so many others could have such a huge change of heart.

"You're not that pretty, but you're still great."

When I was in eighth grade, I became friends with someone for the first time. I've always been a socially awkward person, but we clicked right away. She was my best friend. 

I struggled greatly with depression. I had breakdowns often and cried a lot. I specifically remember one time she was trying to calm me down. We had been friends for almost a year. 

She said, "People are always assholes to you, and I don't really get why. I mean sure, you're fat and not that pretty, but you're still great." 

I will never forget the time my best friend called me fat to my face.
 

They are my legs.

All my life, I've had bigger legs. I've always been self conscious of them, but I've tried not to let it get to me. I acted like I didn't care what people thought, and wore what was "in style," like short shorts. 

When I was 15, I had a huge crush on a boy, and I knew his feelings were mutual. We hung out alone a couple times, but I would never kiss him like he always wanted. 

He always teased me and compared me to another girl he used to date, saying that she wouldn't have a problem kissing him and that she wasn't so shy.

He also told me my legs weren't much to brag about.  

That little comment stuck in the back of my mind for years. 

I didn't want to wear average swimming bottoms anymore. I didn't want to wear shorter shorts anymore. There was a few years where I HATED my legs. I was so ashamed. And no matter how much I worked out, they never seemed to shrink.
 
I'm married now to a wonderful man (who loves my legs, I might add). Even though they aren't supermodel legs. He tells me they are beautiful and strong. 

You know what? They are. 

I started really getting into fitness, and my legs have actually grown! And I'm not ashamed. They are my legs, and I'm lucky to have them. 
 

"You're getting fat."

August 2001, just before the seventh grade, my mom had a heart attack. She had to have several surgeries, and having to stay in bed made her more volatile than usual towards me.

One day I was trying to eat dinner with her, and she said, "You should stop eating so much. You're getting fat."

I was stunned that she would say that to me. She was far from thin, while I couldn't keep a size 3 in Levi's from falling off my hips.

This comment clung to me so tightly that, eight years later on my R&R from my Afghanistan deployment, I sat and cried in a changing room when I realized that I was a size 4.
 

Panda Ears

One day when I was 15, I was walking to school wearing my awesome panda ear headphones. It was very early, the sun was just barely rising, and a guy who was walking towards me stopped me and said, "I have something for you." Confused, I asked what. 

Out if his pocket, he pulled out a panda pin and said, "I just found this. I'm guessing it either belongs to you, or that I am meant to give it to you." 

I'm not sure why, but this made my entire day. I graciously took it and pinned it on my sweater. 

Years later, I still think about that morning, and it still makes me smile. :)
 

"Too fat for food."

When I was in middle school, I got bullied a lot for being on the heavy side.

On the first day of 8th grade, I was sitting by myself at lunch when a group of girls came up to me and told me I was too fat for food, and they threw my food away.

"You should shave your mustache"

I was born with really dark hair and had not yet discovered the luxury of waxing or bleaching.

There was this one guy I had a crush on in middle school, and we would IM back and forth after school sometimes.

He randomly said to me one day, "You have a mustache. You should shave it."

I did. And to this day, it's still one of my biggest insecurities.

"Welcome to this life."

My mom has always had mental health issues. I've stopped her multiple times from committing suicide. I was always supportive and caring.

One day when I was around 13, I spilled my heart out to my mom. I told her everything I was feeling. I told her of incidents in the past that really took a toll on me. I told her things that happened to me that I was too ashamed to talk about, and how my world was just falling down around me.

I NEVER cry in front of people. But at that moment I did. I cried in front of my mom because I was at such a loss. 

his time, for the first time, I was the one who needed support. 

She didn't console me. She didn't kiss my booboos. She didn't pat me on the back and tell me everything would be okay. 

She kind of rolled her eyes and said, "Welcome to depression. Welcome to this life. How do you think I feel? Now you know what it's like." And that was it.

I am now the COMPLETE opposite with my child.

Children don't ask to be here. You bring them here. The least you can do is show unconditional love.