"Too fat"

I was an active fifth grade girl. Average build and outgoing. One day at the pool an older boy told me I was too fat for a bikini.

For the next five years I wore suits that covered my stomach and wouldn't show a lot of skin. I still have self image issues.

It didn't help throughout high school, my "BFF" would tell me that they needed to remodel the school to fit my fat ass. She would tell me to stop eating and poke my stomach.

I look back at my high school pictures and wonder how no one noticed how sickly I looked.

"Not the singer of the family"

My dad once bitterly told me that I'm "Not the singer of the family," right after I sang in a talent show.

It's horrifying that my own father believes that my elder sister is the only one who is allowed to follow her dreams.

"Don't you have any other friends?!"

When I was little, I was extremely socially awkward and anxious. I had one friend who I spent all of my time with. She was also really socially awkward and shy, and looking back now, I realize that we probably used each other as a security blanket, allowing us to brave the terrifying abyss of kids on the playground. Simply having her by my side gave me a huge amount of comfort and peace, and I'm sure I did the same for her.

One day in fourth grade, we were on the playground together, and someone came up to us and said in a confident and booming voice, for the whole school to hear, "You two are together all the time! Don't you have any other friends?!" 

We both felt embarrassed and ashamed, and didn't know how to respond. I don't think we even said anything back. 

Those words would have stung no matter what, but they were extra hurtful because they were coming from our teacher. A teacher who was beloved and celebrated by everyone. 

He died a few years ago, and the whole community was devastated. 

I was only moderately devastated.

Laying on your back

When I was 13, I moved in with my dad and stepmom.

My stepmom hated me with a passion, and I can remember her looking at me one day and saying, "The only thing you will ever be good for is laying on your back."

To this day I still have a problem being intimate with someone.

"You could be a famous novelist."

When I was in middle school, we had to read 25 books and write reports on them in order to earn our spot on a class trip at the end of the school year.

I was writing my own book in my free time, and I was really into it. I asked my teacher if it would be okay for me to submit pages from my original book instead of book reports on other books.

Instead of shutting me down and acting like it was just a stupid little project, she encouraged my creativity and let me share the pages with her instead of doing the book reports. She would read them with complete sincerity and respect, and then provide me with thoughtful and constructive comments. 

One time she told me, "You could be a famous novelist."

It is because of her encouragement that I have always felt confident pursuing creative passions, even when they're against what everyone else is doing.

Not good enough

Senior year of high school I was placed in an AP English class despite my documented learning disorder specifically about my writing skills.

When I tried to inform the teachers of the accommodation that were suppose to be provided for me, she didn't believe me.

The first essay we wrote in class, I was not given the extended time I needed. When she had finished grading them and returned them, I was told the essay I had written "Was not equivalent to that of a high school level work."

I was not provided the necessary accommodations for the first quarter of the school year, and even when I was informed that I had the highest SAT score of my schools graduating class, the thing that still brings me to tears is the grade of my first essay senior year. Because it's something that I have struggled with for years, and to this day I still doubt everything I write.

But I was an athlete...

In middle school I decided to turn my life around- I lost 25 pounds in 7 months by eating healthy and exercising. I joined cross county and swim team. I was finally confident in my strong, muscular, 125lbs body.

At the first school assembly freshman year, I was elected to give a short presentation on the sports offered by the school. As I stood up to speak in front of the school, one of the boys in my class said, "Fat ass" in a somewhat loud voice. The boys around him busted out laughing. I was so embarrassed that I could barely get through my presentation.

To this day, I still have a problem with my weight because of him. Six years later, I still hear his voice in my head when I look in the mirror.

Eyebrows.

When I was 13, my mom took me to the department store to buy makeup for the very first time. I was excited and nervous. 

The lady at the counter offered to test some out on me before we purchased anything. She did a whole makeover and I felt good!

But right as she was wrapping up, she turned to my mom and told her that she might want to start tweezing or waxing my eyebrows and the hair between them.

That's what that stuck with me.

15 years later, I'm still insecure about my eyebrows and the small amount of blonde hair that sometimes grows between them.

Anything that a boy can do...

I am the only girl of four siblings. When I was a child, I participated in all of the activities that my brothers would. 

What stuck with me the most was the adults in my life telling me that I couldn't do many of these activities because I am a girl.

This did a terrible number on my self confidence as a child.

Today I can recognize that this was not a measure of my abilities, but rather a measure of the ignorance and lack of education regarding gender equality from the adults in my life. This seemed as unjust as a child as it does to me now. 

I am happy to report there is a rainbow after the storm. I can now recognize that my determination to be treated equally, even as a child, was set ablaze to do anything that a boy can do, just much better. ;)

"Well, she can see you."

Between kindergarden and first grade, I started to put on some weight and developed into a quite chubby kid. My mom was very proactive when I started gaining weight, and enrolled us in many family "get healthy" programs. I was aware that this was an issue, but for me at the time, it was an internal one. 

After one of my parent-teacher conferences in first grade, my mother came home and reported that I got glowing reviews from all of my teachers. She also said that one of my teachers, a beautiful and very thin woman, mentioned to her that she was overweight as a child as well and that she eventually grew out of it. I asked my mom how my teacher knew that I was overweight, and my mom responded, "Well, she can see you". 

I have never forgotten this moment. It was an innocent comment by my mother, one that would be obvious to any adult. However, as a young child that was the first time I realized that others were seeing and discussing my weight gain. That was the beginning of many years of self-consciousness and self-hating regarding my weight and looks.

It is only in the past several years that I have come to accept and like myself and how I look.

I don't think my mom remembers this comment, or has any idea how it affected me.